


The Most Craziest Thing in the World

by amythis



Category: Soap (TV 1977)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-08 23:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 27,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7777741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jodie Dallas and Alice Berlin are gay but in love with each other.  Set after the Season Two finale but changing some events of Seasons Three and Four.  Written in both script and prose form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scene One

ROD RODDY THE NARRATOR: (over exterior nighttime shot of a nice but not fancy New York City apartment building) We begin this episode of _Soap_ a couple hours after Corinne's baby is dispossessed.  
[Jodie and Alice's living room. She's cleaning, although she stops to look at her watch. Then there's the sound of a key in the front door lock, so she sets down the feather-duster and looks with relief at the door.]  
ALICE: (as Jodie comes in) Thank God you're home! Why didn't you call when you knew you were going to be so late? I'm sorry, I'm being too Jewish-motherly again, aren't I?  
JODIE: Hello, Alice, nice to see you, too.  
ALICE: You look drained, exhausted! What happened to you at your aunt's?  
JODIE: (sighing) It's a very weird story.  
ALICE: Weird even for your family? No offense.  
JODIE: None taken. (He sits down on the couch.)  
ALICE: You want some coffee? I can brew a fresh pot.  
JODIE: No, thank you, Alice. Just sit next to me and hold my hand. I need your sanity.  
ALICE: You need  my sanity? If only my father the noted psychiatrist could hear that! Of course, you being gay yourself, he probably wouldn't think much of your opinion.  
JODIE: Alice, please.  
ALICE: Sorry. (She sits next to him and he takes her hand.)  
JODIE: It feels good to be home.  
ALICE: Jodie, what did they put you through? Is it me? Does your aunt not like you dating a lesbian?  
JODIE: No, Alice, it has nothing to do with you. Besides, I haven't told them about us, not even my mother.  
ALICE: Are you ashamed of me?  
JODIE: Alice, please, not now.  
ALICE: That was a joke.  
JODIE: Sorry. Um, I am going to tell them but I think we need to figure out for ourselves what's going on with us first.  
ALICE: Yeah. Do you want to talk about it?  
JODIE: Not tonight. Tomorrow's Sunday, we can talk all day about our relationship if you want.  
ALICE: Wow, you are not the typical man!  
JODIE: Yeah, I think we've established that. (They look at each other and smile.)  
ALICE: So, uh, what did your aunt want?  
JODIE: (reluctantly) You're not going to think I'm as crazy as they are, are you?  
ALICE: After all the stuff you've already told me? Let's see, your brother had to marry a woman he didn't love in order to leave the Mob because he wouldn't kill his stepfather for killing his father, but then he and the woman fell in love, until she got killed by kidnappers, and now he's trying to track down her killers. Oh, and your stepfather, who used to think he was invisible, now thinks he saw a spaceship. And your stepbrother is a ventriloquist with an obnoxious dummy. And that's just your immediate family. Other than your mother, who seems very nice, you're the most normal.  
JODIE: Yeah. Well, Aunt Jessica's family is even more unusual.  
ALICE: I can't wait to meet them. Let's see, one girl cousin is married to an ex-priest and the other's in love with a killer. And the boy cousin might join a cult. And your grandfather thinks it's still World War II. And I can't remember all the stuff you told me about your aunt and uncle, but they lead very exciting lives for being middle-aged.  
JODIE: Yeah, like this evening Aunt Jessica scared the Devil out of my cousin's baby.  
ALICE: Real strict, huh?  
JODIE: (shaking his head) No, I mean he was possessed by the Devil and my cousin-in-law held an exorcism, but when he got thrown out the window and into the pool, Jessica took over. (Alice stares at him in silence.) I'm sorry, I shouldn't burden you with this.  
ALICE: You mean like in _The Omen_?  
JODIE: Yeah, sort of. And the Devil levitated me and threw me around the nursery.  
ALICE: Then why do you look so unscathed?  
JODIE: After the exorcism, I stopped off at my mother's house, took a shower, and changed into some old clothes.  
ALICE: Ah, I wondered why I didn't recognize that outfit.  
JODIE: So do you believe me? I perfectly understand if you don't. I wouldn't.  
ALICE: You still should've called.  
JODIE: Alice!  
ALICE: Jodie, what do you want me to say? This is not exactly in my realm of experience, as either a lesbian thrown out by her family, or a nice Jewish girl from Long Island.  
JODIE: I know. It's not too common for a nice gay boy from Dunn's River, Connecticut.  
ALICE: Then again, a couple days ago I said that us being jealous of each other's dates was the most craziest thing in the world.  
JODIE: That's grammatically incorrect by the way.  
ALICE: I know, I was an English major at NYU. I said it that way for emphasis.  
JODIE: OK.  
ALICE: Have you ever seen _It's a Wonderful Life_?  
JODIE: Of course.  
ALICE: Well, sometimes I wonder if you're my Clarence.  
JODIE: As in the guardian angel?  
ALICE: Yeah. You know, you found me on a bridge, about to kill myself. And you saved me. Only instead of showing me how awful the world would be without me, you show me that other people have problems that make mine look small in comparison.  
JODIE: Well, I'm glad I could help.  
ALICE: (squeezing his hand) Look, Jodie, I care about you. If what you've said is true, and you've definitely never lied to me before, then I'm horrified by what you and your family went through but glad that it's over.  
JODIE: As far as I know. Tim, that's the cousin-in-law the ex-priest, says he sees no further signs of demonic possession in his son—  
ALICE: So he believes that's his kid now?  
JODIE: Yeah, the three-month pregnancy or whatever it was looked suspicious to him, especially since Corinne, to put it politely, played the field before she got married.  
ALICE: It's funny, isn't it?  
JODIE: What's funny?  
ALICE: I was just thinking, from what you told me, they knew each other for years, since at least high school. And he didn't believe her. But you believed Carol about you being the father of her baby, even though you knew she'd lied to you about other things, and you only had sex once.  
JODIE: (pulling away) You sound like Dennis.  
ALICE: Ouch.  
JODIE  & ALICE: (simultaneously) I'm sorry. (They grimace at each other.)  
ALICE: I know, you don't want to talk about your painful past relationships. But we have to at some point, Jodie. Especially if we're going to have one of our own. I mean a relationship, not a painful one.  
JODIE: (sighing) I know. But not tonight, OK?  
ALICE: Yeah, sure. (getting to her feet) Let me get you some coffee and then you can go to sleep.  
JODIE: With all that caffeine?  
ALICE: Sorry. I'll make it hot chocolate.  
JODIE: You're going to make some girl a wonderful wife someday.  
ALICE: Yeah, I'm a real catch. (She goes into the kitchen. He smiles as he watches her leave. Then he sighs and shakes his head.)


	2. Scene Two

[Same exterior, but morning. Then cut to the living room of Jodie and Alice's apartment. Alice and Jodie are sitting on the couch, in pajamas, eating breakfast.]  
ALICE: So.  
JODIE: You want me to start now?  
ALICE: Or you can wait till you're done eating.  
JODIE: (setting down his plate) Now is fine. So I met Dennis when I first started directing commercials. I'd dated guys in college, nothing long-term. But when I met him, well, he was something. Tall, athletic, gorgeous. And, although his subsequent behavior would indicate otherwise, very sweet sometimes. And bright, not your typical dumb jock. But he was closeted. I went along with meeting in secret. It was fun at first, exciting. And I understood. It didn't matter in my line of work if anybody knew I was gay, but a football player? The world wasn't, isn't, ready for that.  
ALICE: (setting down her plate) Yeah, even I was surprised when you told me.  
JODIE: Yeah. But after awhile, I realized I was in love with him. I didn't want to be his dirty little secret. I wanted us to be a real couple, holding hands in public and all that. But he was too scared. So then I came up with a wacky solution.  
ALICE: The sex change?  
JODIE: Yeah.  
ALICE: Think how much simpler our lives would be if you'd gone through with it.  
JODIE: Your life maybe.  
ALICE: Well, yeah. Go on.  
JODIE: I'd grown up loving sports but I also was definitely feminine in some ways. I convinced myself I was a man trapped in a woman's body. Looking back, a year and a half later, I think of things as less black and white. Male or female, straight or gay.  
ALICE: Uh huh.  
JODIE: But then, well, it seemed like a good solution. I'd get to keep Dennis and he'd be dating a girl, but it would be me, so it would be OK. I know that sounds crazy now. I think it sounded crazy to him at the time. But you have to remember, he had never been with a woman, so he didn't know he wouldn't like it.  
ALICE: But what about you?  
JODIE: Well, it turns out I'd like it. But we're not up to Carol yet.  
ALICE: I can't wait. But I mean, well, you would be having sex as a woman. Doing a lot of things as a woman.  
JODIE: Yeah. I guess I figured it was worth it to keep him. And maybe I'd like it.  
ALICE: That was a big risk to take.  
JODIE: Yeah. And in a way I was being selfless in a selfish way, doing this for him, but not caring that this wasn't what he wanted. I kept telling him and myself that it would all work out. But he couldn't take the responsibility. And at the same time, he thought marrying the woman he was seeing as a beard was the solution.  
ALICE: Did she know?  
JODIE: (shaking his head) I don't think so. Maybe later, but not then. So he left me, while I was in the hospital. And then I did another selfishly selfless thing, by trying to kill myself.  
ALICE: Oh, Jodie!  
JODIE: I know, that was even more idiotic. But I wasn't thinking clearly. I'd lost him and I didn't know what I was doing with my life anymore. I didn't think about how it would kill my mother, or how sad my brother would be. I just swallowed a bunch of pills.  
ALICE: (quietly) So when you talked to me on the bridge, you really knew what it felt like.  
JODIE: Yeah. And I meant it when I said things would get better. Not that it's been smooth sailing since then. But it's better.  
ALICE: (smiling) For me, too.  
JODIE: (smiling back) Good. (He sighs.) So they pumped my stomach and I fought to live, thanks to my wonderful roommate, I mean the old man in the next hospital bed. He told me about losing his beloved wife, and then another beloved wife, and how he kept going. He was wonderful. (He looks choked up.)  
ALICE: (quietly) Did he die?  
JODIE: Not then, but a couple months later. By then, I knew I wanted to live. Besides, my family was going through craziness because of my stepbrother.  
ALICE: The ventriloquist?  
JODIE: No, his brother, Peter. He, well, it's a very complicated story, but Peter slept with my aunt and my cousin, so my uncle killed him.  
ALICE: Wow!  
JODIE: Yeah. And we were all suspects, with my Aunt Jessica the prime suspect. And her lawyer had an assistant, Carol David.  
ALICE: Ah.  
JODIE: Yeah. And we really hit it off, as friends. But, even though I was very clear to her that I was, am, gay, she refused to believe it. So she invited me away for a weekend, as friends. But the separate bedrooms turned out to be a shared bedroom and a shared bed. She said we'd just cuddle-- [Alice snorts.] Yeah, I know. She used all the lines straight guys use on women.  
ALICE: And it worked?  
JODIE: Not exactly. So she took a more feminine approach. She cried and said I hated her. And I didn't. I loved her, as a friend. And then I was holding her, trying to get her to stop crying, and I, well, I responded.  
ALICE: Ah.  
JODIE: So naturally she thought I wanted to have sex because my body seemed ready. And, well, it felt nice. It felt good. So I, well, went along with it. And maybe some of it was curiosity. I don't know.  
ALICE: So you liked it?  
JODIE: Yeah, I did. I remember thinking that if I'd known what it was like, I might have gone to the prom.  
ALICE: (shrugging) You didn't miss much.  
JODIE: (staring at her) You? And your prom date?  
ALICE: Yeah, me and my prom date.  
JODIE: Did you like it?  
ALICE: (shrugging again) It was over so quick, who knows? (He laughs and shakes his head.) I guess I was curious, too. And maybe I thought it'd make me stop thinking about girls. But it didn't work.  
JODIE: Me neither. (He coughs.) Can I tell you what Burt and Danny said without you getting too offended?  
ALICE: Jodie, I like your brother and your stepfather, but they're not the most enlightened men I've ever met. Go ahead.  
JODIE: Um, well, they think that you just need a good "you know" to cure you.  
ALICE: Hey, you wanna give it a try?  
JODIE: Alice!  
ALICE: I'm kidding, mostly.  
JODIE: We haven't even kissed yet.  
ALICE: Yet? (He coughs.)  
JODIE: Let's finish talking first. I still have some things I need to sort out in my own head.  
ALICE: Does it help to talk to me?  
JODIE: Yeah, a lot.  
ALICE: Good. So you and Carol did it and then what?  
JODIE: Well, I didn't want to change who I'd been for so long. I'd learned that from the sex change thing. I am who I am and I like that person.  
ALICE: Me, too. Liking you. And me.  
JODIE: Good. And, I don't know, I guess I'd fought so hard to get acceptance as being gay, and it was and is so much a part of who I am. And, even though I loved Carol and enjoyed sex with her, I didn't want to be straight.  
ALICE: Makes sense.  
JODIE: To you maybe. To her, not so much. She couldn't understand why I didn't want to have sex with her again, but after awhile she said she accepted that. Maybe she meant it, but she was lying to both of us. And then we ended up moving in together, and she claimed she was fine with being platonic roommates, but she wasn't. And she was catty when I started seeing Dennis again.  
ALICE: He came back?  
JODIE: Yeah, he came back. His marriage didn't work out and he realized he still loved me. So we tried again. But it was hard with Carol in the picture, especially when she turned out to be pregnant.  
ALICE: From the one time?  
JODIE: From the one time.  
ALICE: Jodie, please don't get mad, but is it possible she lied?  
JODIE: Yeah, I guess it's possible. I don't know. She ran off on our wedding day, and when I saw her again, she said she didn't want me to have anything to do with the baby. Maybe there never was a baby. Or maybe she got rid of it. I guess I'll never know.  
ALICE: That's rough.  
JODIE: Yeah.  
ALICE: And Dennis?  
JODIE: I punched him out when he called Carol a tramp.  
ALICE: You're not gonna punch me out, are you?  
JODIE: Never.  
ALICE: Good. So that's where I came in, huh? Right after you lost your boyfriend, your girlfriend, and your maybe baby.  
JODIE: Yeah.  
ALICE: And here we are, almost three months later. And you're living with another girl who might not be as platonic as you hoped.  
JODIE: Yeah. But it's not the same. You're real, you're honest.  
ALICE: And I'm gay.  
JODIE: Yeah. Except you get jealous when I go out with men.  
ALICE: And you get jealous when I go out with women.  
JODIE: Yeah. Alice, I love you, I think just as a friend but maybe not.  
ALICE: Yeah. That's pretty much where I'm at.  
JODIE: But I'm still gay. Or at least not straight.  
ALICE: Me, too. When we went to see _The China Syndrome_ , I looked at Jane Fonda.  
JODIE: And I looked at Michael Douglas.  
ALICE: Yeah. Is it maybe just emotional with us, not physical?  
JODIE: I don't know. Maybe. I feel connected to you. This place feels like home in a way it never did when Carol was here.  
ALICE: Well, thank you.  
JODIE: Alice, can I kiss you?  
ALICE: I'd like that. I mean, I'd like you to. I don't know if I'd like the kiss itself.  
JODIE: Let's find out. (They lean towards each other and kiss softly.)  
ALICE: Yeah, I liked the kiss itself.  
JODIE: Me, too.  
ALICE: So you wanna give me a good "you know" now?  
JODIE: Let's take it a little slower than that.  
ALICE: OK. And I'm not sure about sex with you anyway.  
JODIE: We don't have to have sex. Ever. Sex seems to ruin friendships.  
ALICE: Sometimes.  
JODIE: Let's just be who we've been. Plus kissing.  
ALICE: Good idea. (They kiss again. Scene fades.)  



	3. A Surprise

For their third-month "anniversary" together, Alice made a little chocolate cake, Jodie's favorite. She put an extra candle on, one to grow on, so she could throw away the box. She took the cake out to the living room where Jodie beamed at her.

She told him he was the best thing she ever had in her life. He said, "And you in mine." They held hands as they blew out the candles together. And they kissed afterwards, just a nice little kiss. He said, as he had before, that relationships are better when there's no sex to screw things up. She agreed. Not that she didn't miss sex sometimes, but she didn't miss the drama. They had their little spats but nothing major. They talked things out and they were happy together, so happy! Maybe things would change over time, but for now, they were good as they were.

Little did she know when he went to answer the door that their quiet little, mostly platonic, life together was about to change in a big way.

It was Carol's mother. And when she met Alice, she assumed that Jodie wasn't a "homo" anymore. She was very surprised to hear that Alice was a homo, too. She apparently had never heard of girl homos and said, "What do they call them, homettes?"

Alice and Jodie laughed about that together when Mrs. David went out to the hallway to get a surprise. It was a very big surprise: Jodie's daughter! Mrs. David said Carol wanted Jodie to see her. At the time, Alice didn't question this change of heart. Maybe becoming a mother had made Carol realize that Jodie should know their baby.

It was a beautiful, adorable baby, with Jodie's big brown eyes and his nose. There was no question who the father was, whatever Dennis had said.

Mrs. David, who had traveled to New York from Texas, asked if she could stay with them. Neither Jodie nor Alice had a problem with that. There was room, and of course Mrs. David would want to be near her granddaughter.

Jodie was nervous about holding the baby, but they looked even more adorable together. Alice felt like she might cry. This was real, Carol hadn't lied, she had been pregnant by Jodie, and this miraculous little cutie was the result.

Mrs. David said the baby's name was Wendy. Jodie, sounding like was about to cry, too, said, "It's very nice to meet you, Wendy."

When Mrs. David went to get her things from the cab, with the meter running, Alice went with her. She wanted to help the out-of-towner but she also wanted to give Jodie a moment alone with his daughter.

Once they settled with the cabbie and Alice took the suitcase, she asked, "So Carol changed her mind?"

"You could say that."

Alice wondered what that meant but she didn't want to pry. After all, she was a stranger to Mrs. David, and only peripherally connected to the family through Jodie. So instead she said, "You have an adorable granddaughter, Mrs. David."

"Thank you, Alice. Uh, I guess you don't have any kids of your own."

"Uh, no." Alice could cook, clean, and do almost everything else the perfect wife would do, which was how her mother raised her, but she'd known from an early age that liking girls meant she'd probably never be a mom. She knew from talking to Jodie that fatherhood hadn't ever seemed like an option, except during the time between Carol's pregnancy announcement and her telling him she wanted him to never see the baby. Alice really wished she knew what had changed Carol's mind.

"Babies are a lot of work but they're worth it."

"Well, Jodie and I will have fun helping you with Wendy for as long as you can stay."

"Good." Mrs. David sounded distant, and then more like herself when she said, "Well, let's get upstairs so I can unpack."

"Sure."

...

That night, Mrs. David and her granddaughter slept in Jodie's room. As Alice helped Jodie make up the sofa for him to sleep on, she whispered, "So you're a papa."

He shook his head and whispered back, "I still can't believe it! I mean, all this time I wondered, but now I know."

"Yeah. You two are adorable together."

"Thank you. But I'm so nervous. I don't know anything about babies. I mean, the last baby I dealt with was literally a little devil."

"You're doing fine. And Mrs. David is here, if you have any questions."

"Yeah. I wish I could take Wendy to meet her other grandmother. My mother would be thrilled."

"How long will their visit be?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid to ask."

"Well, maybe there will be other visits. Or you can go see Wendy in Texas."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Hey, Jodie, if you want, you don't have to sleep on the couch tonight. You can sleep in my bedroom."

He raised his eyebrows. "With you?"

"Are you crazy? With your almost-mother-in-law in the apartment? I meant I can sleep on the couch."

"Oh. No, it's fine, but thank you. And thank you for being so wonderful about all this."

"Don't mention it. I'm happy for you and I want to do what I can to help."

He kissed her cheek. "I appreciate it."


	4. Decisions

All day at work, while he was shooting a deodorant commercial, Jodie kept thinking about Mrs. David's ultimatum. She was a soft-spoken woman but that's what it was, an ultimatum. She'd told him that Carol had run off with a cowboy soon after giving birth, and Mrs. David wanted Jodie to have his daughter, but only if Alice left. "Two homos are one homo too many." She'd accept him with the baby, since he was the father, but not Alice. She didn't care that Alice was his best friend, the best thing to ever happen to him. Well, one of the two best.

Maybe it was paternal instinct, but Jodie immediately loved Wendy. He'd met her only the day before and now he couldn't imagine life without her. But he didn't want a life without Alice either.

He decided to talk to Alice when he got home. She was his best friend after all, so who better to talk to? She could help him find a solution.

He knocked on her door and was startled to see her packing. She was moving out. She'd overheard his conversation with Mrs. David that morning, through the thin New York apartment walls.

Jodie told Alice that Mrs. David was wrong. Alice said that wasn't the point. She said that if it were her baby, she'd choose Wendy over anyone, and Wendy needed him more than they could possibly need each other.

He knew she was right, but this still hurt terribly. And he loved her even more for making this sacrifice.

They were sitting on her bed, holding hands. When this was Carol's bed, that would've had a completely different meaning, but with Alice it meant vows of eternal friendship.

She stood up and went back to packing. He asked where she was going to go. She said Alaska, claiming she'd always wanted to go. She also said he gave her the courage to live and to try things.

He was sure he'd never see her again, although she swore she'd keep in touch.

Then she said, "There won't be a day that goes by that I don't think about you. You changed my life, Pal. I love you."

He looked at her big blue eyes and said, "Then marry me."

She looked even more surprised than he was. After a moment, she found the words to say, "Uh, Jodie, if you want to be convincing as a gay man, you need to stop proposing to women."

He got to his feet. "Come on, let's go for a walk."

"A walk? I've got a plane to catch."

"Just around the block. Please?"

"Yeah, sure. I owe you that."

They went through the living room, where Mrs. David was sitting holding Wendy.

"Uh, Mrs. David, we're gonna go for a quick walk. We'll be right back."

"OK. Do you want me to start dinner?"

"Uh, no thanks. I mean, wait till we get back."

"OK."

When they were out in the hallway, Alice said, "I think she was trying to figure out how many to cook for."

"Never mind that. I just didn't want her listening from the next room."

"Were you serious?"

"Let's wait till we get outside."

"Sure."

They took the elevator down and waved at the doorman in the lobby.

"Ms. Berlin, did you still want me to call you a cab?"

"Uh, hold off on that, Tommy, thank you."

Jodie and Alice stepped outside and simultaneously said, "So?"

She said, " 'So' as in do I want to marry you?"

"Yeah. Do you?"

"Jodie, this is really crazy."

"No, think about it. We love each other and I can't think of anyone who'd be a better stepmother for Wendy."

"Well, thank you. But we don't love each other like married people. We don't even love each other like boyfriend and girlfriend."

"That doesn't matter. I really don't want to lose you. And if you stay as my fiancée, then Mrs. David won't see us as two homos."

"But we are two homos. Or at least not two straight people."

"She doesn't have to know that."

"So you're gonna live a lie? Pretend that a lesbian converted you when her daughter couldn't?"

"It won't be a lie. It just won't be the whole truth."

"And what about sex?"

"It's the same situation as before. We won't have sex unless we both really want to."

"But, Jodie, it's not the same. People expect married couples to have sex. I mean, unless they've been married twenty years or something."

"Who cares what people expect? And they won't know what happens or not in our bedroom."

"You mean our bedrooms."

"We can share a bed if we have to. Not right now, since we'd just be engaged."

"Jodie, listen to yourself. Look, I do love you and you are the best thing that ever happened to me, but what about the future? It's one thing for us to be living together, being the most important adults in each other's lives, but what if you meet someone? Or I meet someone. If we're just roommates, no big deal to your new boyfriend, or my new girlfriend, but if we're married? How are you going to explain that?"

"Alice, I've got a child now. A little, helpless baby who needs me. I'm not going to be out looking for men. Not for years."

"So I put my love life on hold for years, too?"

He sighed as they rounded the corner. "You're right. I'm being selfish."

"No, you're not. I mean, this is for Wendy, right?"

"Yeah, but she's my child. Not yours. I can't ask this of you."

"Hey, Jodie, I'm not saying it'd be horrible being married to you. It might be kind of nice. But there is the whole dishonesty thing."

"Yeah, I know."

She shook her head. "I guess it's not much more drastic than Alaska."

"Are you really going to go?"

"Not if I miss my flight."

"You could take the next flight."

"Yeah, if they'll give me a refund. That ticket took most of my savings."

"I'm sorry I'm putting through all this."

"Yeah, and we thought not having sex would save us the drama."

He laughed. "You really are amazing."

"I bet you say that to all the girls you propose to."

"Yeah, but this time it's true."

"Hey, watch what you say about my stepdaughter-to-be's mother."

He stopped walking and looked at her. "Then you will marry me?"

"I don't know, Jodie. I feel like I have to make a decision really fast."

"You decided really fast about Alaska."

"No, I took a few hours for that. Besides, I could always come back from Alaska. But coming back from marrying a man? That may be a trickier return."

"Yeah. At least I've almost gotten married before, so I'm more used to the idea."

"Were you going to have sex with Carol if you'd married her?"

"Of course. But she would've expected it. You wouldn't." 

"True. Maybe a lesbian is your ideal bride."

"A loyal lesbian who can cook."

"Well, I told you I was a catch."

"Yeah. OK, we'll go back to the apartment and we'll get your suitcase and you can maybe take a flight to someplace closer than Alaska. I'll pay for it if they won't let you exchange the ticket. And just take a week or so to think things over. And if you want to come back and marry me, let me know. And if not, I'll understand."

She sighed. "Fine. I don't think this is really the place to discuss all this anyway."

Jodie had been oblivious to the people around them. After all, they were New Yorkers. They'd heard it all. But she was right, as she almost always was.


	5. Boulder

_Dear Jodie,_

_See, I told you I'd write to you. I've got a layover, ironically in Dallas. I'll try to mail this letter from here, so you may've been surprised by the postmark. (I know I'm switching tenses, sorry.)_

_You seemed surprised when I said I was going to Boulder. I didn't have time to explain and it would've led to more questions if I said I was going to visit my ex-roommate Jean DaVinci. Yeah, a girl Jean, not a boy Gene. And, no, she's not a lesbian. She's just a really cool straight girl who was one of the few people to accept me before I met you._

_She's going to med school in Colorado, and she and her brother Remo just recently opened a deli in Boulder. We've been in touch off and on and, no, she doesn't know I'm going to ask to stay for a week. But I can't think of anyone else to turn to right now. I think she'll be OK with it. Remo is more old-fashioned, you know, the typical macho Italian man, but with a good heart._

_So that was some anniversary, huh, Pal? I can't believe all that's happened in the last 24 hours or so. I need time to think about all this. And, I know, I threw you for a loop almost as much Mrs. David did. But at the time I just thought_ I've got to go while I still can. _I thought I was making things easier for you, but I guess not._

_God, Jodie, I already miss you so much! But that doesn't mean I'm ready to come back. If I did, you're right, we couldn't go back to what we were before. Not with Mrs. David wanting to take Wendy away. I'm not so sure she'd accept us as a married couple though._

_And even if she did, it's such a big step. Even if we were straight, it'd be a big step. And then there's Wendy. What's best for her?_

_I'm going round and round in circles on this. I think I just need to get away from you, away from the situation, clear my head. Maybe it'll help you, too. You might find you're not so eager to marry me._

_Whatever happens, I meant it when I said I will always be your friend._

_Love (because I do love you, my best friend)  
_

_Alice_

...

"Yo, DaVinci!"

Jean looked up in surprise at the tall, thin figure in the deli doorway. "Berlin? Is that you?"

"Yeah, minus the perm."

"Oh my God, what are you doing here?"

"Very long story."

"Well, have a seat and I'll get you a sandwich. On the house."

"Thank you."

"Remo, a duck & cluck on rye!"

"Oh God, is that dyke here?"

Both women laughed, unoffended. Alice sat down, feeling jet-lagged but oddly at home in this western restaurant far from home but not as far as Alaska was.

"Miss me, Remo?" Alice yelled.

"Oh yeah. You remember Jeanie is straight, right?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Good, because if you've followed us out here to get her, you're wasting your time."

"I do want to stay with you, Jeanie. For a few days."

Jean caught her suddenly serious and quiet tone. "Did you break up with your girlfriend Jodie?"

Alice had written to Jean about her address change but apparently had forgotten to use pronouns. "Like I said, it's a long story."

"OK. Well, we close up in half an hour. So you eat and rest and then you and I can talk things over."

"Sounds great."

Remo made the duck and chicken sandwich as good as he always did. It really was nice that some things hadn't changed.

...

Jean made her brother take Alice's suitcase home with him, saying they'd be back later. He grumbled but he didn't argue.

"I figure we can talk with more privacy here than at home," Jean said when Remo was gone.

Alice nodded, thinking of how hard it'd been to have a private conversation with Jodie once Mrs. David had arrived. Obviously they hadn't been able to talk at the airport, although he gave her a long, sweet hug that said more than words might've.

"So tell me about Jodie. You've been together two or three months now, right?"

"Yeah. Three. And it's a boy Jodie, not like Jodie Foster."

"Ah."

"No, it's not what you think. He's gay."

"Oh, so it's platonic."

Alice did her best to explain, everything. Jean was a great listener, and very open-minded.

"...I know this doesn't fit into any neat little boxes."

"Sometimes life doesn't."

"Yeah."

"Alice, let me ask you something. Let's say Jodie was a girl. A girl who got knocked up by a guy named, um, Carl, who ran off and left her with the baby. How would you feel then?"

Alice shook her head. "That's so different. If Jodie was the one who got pregnant, well, there wouldn't have been the months of mystery over whether there even was a baby."

"I'm not saying it's an exact parallel. My point is, what if Jodie was a single mother with a baby, how would you feel about him? I mean her."

Alice took a deep breath. "If Jodie were a woman? I think she would be the love of my life."

"Well then."

"But he's not. And, yeah, I love him, but what about sex?"

"You don't have to have sex to feel connected to someone."

"I know that. Believe me, I know that. But how can I marry someone where we're not even sure if we'll ever be sexually attracted to each other?"

"You like kissing him, right?"

"Yeah, I do. But it's sweet kisses, not passionate ones."

"That could change over time."

"Maybe, but what if it doesn't? Or what if one of us develops those kinds of feelings and the other doesn't?"

Jean sighed. "This is very complicated."

"Yeah."

"And I'm not trying to talk you into anything. I just want you to be happy."

"Well, thank you. And can I stay here for awhile?"

"You can stay. Probably not more than a week."

"If I haven't decided to go back to New York in a week, then I'll go to Alaska after all."

"Or you could stay in Boulder, get a roommate, and work in the deli."

"Tempting."

"I just want you to have options."

"Oh, I've got plenty of those. But thank you."

"What are friends for?"


	6. Benson

"Thanks again, Mrs. David." He meant that. He wasn't happy about her making Alice leave, but maybe that was partly his fault, for giving Alice an ultimatum of his own. And Jodie was grateful to Carol's mother for bringing Wendy.

"You're welcome, Jodie. And feel free to call me if you have any questions about the baby."

He nodded. He appreciated the offer, but he wouldn't want to call long-distance every time something went wrong. He'd rather call his own mother, once she knew about her granddaughter. Maybe he'd call that night, just to update her, although he didn't know what he'd say about Alice.

Mrs. David gave him a quick hug and then went downstairs to catch a cab to the airport. She'd stayed only a couple days but she'd completely changed his life.

He could've gone to the airport with her, but after taking Alice the night before, he didn't have the strength. That had been a really hard goodbye. He didn't know if it was forever, even though she again promised to write. She'd gone to Boulder, to stay with a friend Jean, or Gene. There was no time to explain. He wished she'd call instead. He couldn't call her, or even write. It would be up to her to contact him, if she wanted to.

He knew it was crazy to propose to her, and she'd been the voice of reason, like almost always. But he had been desperate and he couldn't think how else to keep her in his life, while still keeping his daughter.

He hadn't told Mrs. David of course. He just said that Alice was going away, and he let her draw her own conclusions.

And now he was on his own, a single father. He went into the bedroom that he'd started converting into a nursery. He'd bought furniture and toys. He hoped Wendy would feel at home. Poor little girl, she'd lost her mother and now she had a father whose life hadn't prepared him for this. But he loved her and he hoped that would be enough.

"Well," he whispered to the sleeping baby, "your grandma's going back to Texas."

Wendy woke up and started crying. He went through the list with her, diaper, food, cuddling? Nothing seemed to work.

And then someone knocked. Was it Mrs. David? Maybe she'd forgotten to pack something. Or maybe Alice was back already. Maybe she got to Boulder and after a day there realized that she belonged back home with him.

He opened the door as well as he could with a wailing baby in his arms and saw Benson standing there wearing a very nice suit and carrying luggage.

"I heard you were living with a girl again, but I pictured someone older."

"Benson! What are you doing here?" For a crazy moment, he thought Benson wanted to stay with him. He'd be a welcome houseguest, since he was good with Corinne's baby, now that little Timmy was no longer possessed.

"I've got some time to kill before I go to the airport."

"You're going to the airport?"

"Can I come in?"

"Of course."

Benson came in, set down his suitcase, and shut the door behind him. "I guess we need to catch up," he said.

"How about after I get the baby to stop crying?"

"What's she crying about?"

"I don't know. She was fine until her grandmother left."

"Her grandmother?"

"Yeah, Carol's mother."

"So this is your baby?"

"Yeah."

"She looks like you." He gestured for Jodie to hand over the baby, so he did. Then in a falsetto with a Texan twang, Benson said, "Ain't you just the cutest little thang?"

The baby stopped crying and stared up at him. Benson didn't sound remotely like Mrs. David, but it was a good distraction.

"Where's her room?"

Jodie pointed and then collapsed onto the couch while Benson took Wendy into the nursery. When he came back out and sat on a chair, he said, "She really does look like you."

"Yeah, I know, it's amazing."

"Where's Carol? And, uh, Alice, is it?"

Jodie sighed and sat up. "It's a very long story."

"Well, mine isn't. I'm going to work for your cousin the governor, running his mansion."

"Wow!"

"You didn't know?"

"I haven't been back to Connecticut recently. All I know is Burt came home and no one's seen or heard from Danny."

"Right. Well, I went to meet Governor Gatling about the job and then I came back to help rescue Billy from the Sunnies."

"Wow! Is he OK?"

"Yeah, he's fine. But now that that's taken care of, I gave my notice and said goodbye to the Tates. And I figured I might as well say goodbye to you on my way to JFK."

"Thank you. God, you're really leaving the Tates after all these years?"

"I'm really leaving."

"How are they going to survive without you?"

Benson chuckled. "Lord knows. But this is something I have to do."

"I understand."

"So how did you end up with your baby?"

Jodie explained, Benson asking a few questions but mostly listening patiently.

"...So on top of everything, I had to say goodbye, maybe forever, to my best friend."

"That's hard," Benson said quietly.

"She's your best friend, isn't she?" Jodie asked gently. "Aunt Jessica?"

"Yeah, crazy as it is, crazy as she is."

"But you left her?"

"Like I said, it's something I have to do."

"Well, yeah, that sounds like a much more prestigious job."

"That's part of it."

"Part of it?"

"If you tell anyone this, I'll come back and kick your scrawny behind from here to Brooklyn."

"Tell them what?"

Benson sighed. "Well, when you were talking about loving your best friend, let's just say that I could relate to that more than you can imagine."

"Oh. And when you say 'love,' you mean...?"

"I've been in love with Mrs. Tate for fifteen years."

Jodie stared at the older man in disbelief. And yet, it made sense. It explained a lot. "Is that why you've stayed in a job you've hated for so long?"

"Yeah."

"Does she know? That you love her I mean."

"She knows I love her as a friend. But you're the first one I've told."

"Wow. Is that why you hate Chester?"

"I'd hate Mr. Tate anyway. But him cheating on a sweet, trusting woman like Mrs. Tate, again and again, well, that didn't make me like him."

"This must've been really hard for you, all these years."

"Yeah. And Detective Donahue wasn't a huge improvement but at least he was nice to her. But she chose Mr. Tate and I know it won't be long till he's back to his old ways again."

"So you don't want to stick around and watch?"

"That's part of it. And I know, you're going to say I should tell her my feelings, but it's not like it would've worked anyway."

"Because of the race difference?"

"And that she's rich and I was just the butler."

"I don't think she'd care about that."

"Thanks, but we've got different personalities and it just wouldn't have worked. But who says love makes sense, right?"

"Right."

"So what are you going to do about Alice?"

Jodie sighed. "I don't know. At this point, it's up to her. She knows how to reach me. I don't even know the address or phone number of her friend. And I need to give Alice some time to think things over."

"Yeah. Well, if she doesn't come back, you're going to need a live-in babysitter."

"Are you volunteering?"

"No thanks."

"I guess I could have my mother watch the baby when I'm at work, but that would mean either taking Wendy back and forth to Connecticut, or having Ma come here."

"You should talk to Mary anyway. She needs to know what's going on in your life, especially with Danny missing."

"I know. It's just that I'm waiting for the craziness to stop."

"In this family?"

Jodie chuckled. Then he said, "Benson, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Why do you call my mother 'Mary' but Jessica 'Mrs. Tate'?"

"I never worked for your mother."

"Oh."

"Listen, I've got to get to the airport. Good luck with everything."

"Thanks, Benson. You, too."


	7. Burts

When Wendy woke up crying a few nights later, Jodie sighed and decided to call his mother. She always claimed that she didn't mind at all. But sometimes when he called, Burt would lure her away from the phone. For a man who was impotent most of the first few months of his second marriage, Burt sure was making up for lost time.

Jodie's mother had been surprised but pleased to hear about her granddaughter. Jodie hadn't yet brought Wendy up to Connecticut, and his mother hadn't yet been able to come to New York. It was hard enough just to get her on the phone for a few minutes. He did know that Danny had come back, accompanied by Millie, the girlfriend of one of Elaine's kidnappers. Millie had wanted to marry Danny but left when she found out how crazy his family was. Jodie hadn't spoken to Danny about it yet himself, but that was what their mother said.

Jodie was taking a leave of absence for now. Each day that passed, with no word from Alice except the letter she'd mailed from the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport, he wondered if he was kidding himself about her return, but it hadn't yet been a week. If she didn't come back, then he would have to get a nanny for Wendy. Not that that was the only reason he wanted Alice to come back of course, but it would be a big help.

"Maybe it could be your Aunt Alice getting up at 3 a.m. for a change," he told his wailing daughter. He picked her up and went out to the living room. He dialed home with one hand. Then he tucked the receiver into his neck.

"Hello, Jodie?"

"Hey, Ma, how'd you know it was me?"

"Lucky guess. How's Wendy?"

He described the symptoms, and the baby quieted down as he talked.

"I think it's just a little colic."

"Really?"

"Yeah, try wrapping her warmly and setting her in her cradle."

He thanked his mother and told her to go back to bed. Then he followed her instructions.

He was going to sit up with Wendy awhile and see that she was OK, when he heard loud knocking at his front door. He was very surprised since it was three a.m. For a moment, he thought it might be Alice, coming back without telling him first, although it would be unlike her to knock so insistently, especially when she knew she might wake the baby.

He answered the door and saw Burt. Jodie was confused, especially when Burt gave him a quick hug. He wondered how Burt had gotten there so fast. Even if he was out the door the moment Jodie's mother answered the phone, that would be an extremely quick drive. And it was just colic, hardly something worth checking on at that hour.

Then Burt was amazed to see Wendy, as if he knew nothing about her. He thought she was named after his Great-Uncle Wendell. He made faces at her.

Jodie wondered what was wrong with Burt. This was very strange, even for him. Burt claimed everything was OK with him and Jodie's mother, but he wanted to stay over.

Jodie wanted to call his mother, but Burt stopped him. He claimed that she thought that he, Burt, was at home but she was wrong. Then Burt claimed to be in both places. Jodie now wanted to call an ambulance.

He was worried about Burt but he was also worried about his mother. What was going on with them?

Then Burt gave in and called home, telling Jodie to ask for him (Burt) but not tell his (Jodie's) mother that he (Burt) was there at Jodie's. Jodie thought this was ridiculous but he had to get it settled.

Then Burt answered the phone! While Burt was sitting next to Jodie on the couch.

"Could you say that again?" Jodie whispered hoarsely.

The Burt on the phone said, "Hi, Jodie, my gay stepson."

Jodie hung up quickly. He and Burt, the Burt on his couch, kept looking back and forth between the phone and each other.

"That was you," he admitted, now questioning his own sanity. "That was really you."

"Right."

"I don't understand."

"I'll tell you all about it."

"I'll get a couple beers."

"Get a case. This is gonna take a little while."

Jodie nodded and went into the kitchen.

...

The beer helped the explanation go down but Jodie still wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen so many other crazy things in the family. Burt had been abducted by aliens, who sent one of their own down to Earth in a duplicate of Burt's body. Jodie now understood "Burt's" recent amorousness, although he wasn't going to bring that up with the Real Burt.

"...So now I've got to find a way to convince the Alien me to beam himself back up to the spaceship so I can have my life back."

"Good luck."

"Thanks. So, so, what's going on with you? When I left you were living with a lesbian, and now you've got a baby but no adult roommate?"

"It's Carol's baby. She abandoned Wendy so Mrs. David is letting me raise the baby, as long as it's just me."

"So, uh, Alice is gone?"

He swallowed. It was time to face it. "Yeah, Alice is gone."

"I'm sorry, Jodie. Boy, you have worse luck with women than most straight guys do."

Jodie grimaced. "Yeah."

"So does this mean I can sleep in a bed instead of on the couch?"

"Well, I'm converting Alice's room into a nursery. But I still have Alice's bed in there so I can sleep in that. And you can have mine."

"Thanks, Jodie. I won't be any trouble. I just need to wait till Alien Burt goes to work, since I'd rather confront him there than at home."

"That makes sense, I guess." Jodie wasn't sure if anything made sense anymore.

Burt said goodnight to Wendy, making another "grandpa" face, and then they all went to sleep.


	8. Phone Calls

Alice called Jodie at 7 a.m. Boulder time, which was 9 a.m. New York time. She hadn't wanted to wake him up but she did want to catch him before he left for work. She would've called the night before, but she was still making up her mind.

The phone rang a couple times and then when it stopped, she found herself blurting out, "OK, I'll marry you, but under one condition."

"Uh, I think you have the wrong number."

"Oh, sorry." How embarrassing! She was just about to hang up when she realized she recognized the voice. "Wait, is that Burt? Jodie's stepfather?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

"Alice."

"Alice the lesbian?"

She chuckled. "Yeah."

"Are you sure you don't have the wrong number?"

"I'm sure. May I please speak to Jodie?"

"Yeah, hold on a moment."

"Thanks."

In the background, she could hear Jodie saying, "Who is it?"

"Alice."

"Really? Can you hold Wendy?"

"Sure."

Then Jodie came to the phone and said, "It's you? It's really you?"

"Yeah, it's me. Um, I don't want to make you late for work but—"

"It's fine. I'm taking a leave of absence right now."

"Oh. Um, what's Burt doing there?"

"Long story."

"Well, maybe you can tell me in person."

"You're coming back?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Well, I've decided I'll marry you if Mrs. David accepts it. Otherwise, I'm going to Alaska after all."

"Oh. Well, I guess I should call her and tell her."

"Great. Let me give you the number here."

"Thanks."

After he wrote it down and they said goodbye, Alice hung up. She knew this wasn't the most romantic proposal acceptance ever, but then it hadn't been a very romantic proposal.

...

After Jodie hung up, Burt gave him one of his rubbery-faced looks. "So?"

Jodie sighed and explained.

"You know this is crazy, right?" 

"I guess. But, Burt, no offense, who are you to judge?"

"Hey, it's not like I asked to be kidnapped by aliens."

"True. But please, don't tell Mom."

"Yeah, right, it'll be the first thing out of my mouth after I get to her believe me about the aliens."

"I just, you know, would like to tell her, and Danny, myself."

"Understood. So are you gonna call Mrs. David now?"

"I think it's still kind of early Texas time."

"OK, I was just sort of hoping you'd get this settled before I go talk to Alien Burt."

"Well, come back if you can't go home. I mean if you can't get rid of Alien Burt."

"Will do. Otherwise, maybe you could bring Wendy over in the next couple days."

"OK. But don't forget, you haven't met her yet. I mean Alien Burt hasn't. I mean, well, you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know. Good luck."

"Thank you."

"One question."

"What, Burt?"

"Does this mean that if you and Alice get married you'll you know?" He did a very Burt hand-fluttering.

Jodie sighed. "If we both want to, we will. If not, we'll be like we are now."

"I really don't understand you, Jodie."

"I know, Burt. I know."

...

"Mrs. David?"

"Jodie, is that you?"

"Yeah, Mrs. David, it's me."

"How are you? How's Wendy?"

"We're great. In fact, um, I've got some great news."

"About Wendy?"

"No, about me. I'm getting married."

"I didn't know homos could get married. But I guess anything's possible in New York."

"No, I mean I'm marrying a girl. I'm marrying Alice." He didn't know what he'd do if she didn't go for it. He supposed he'd have to later "call off the wedding" and tell her he and Alice had decided against it.

"But you're both homos."

This was it. Could he lie and convincingly? Did he have to? "We love each other. We want to be together."

"Oh. So you want to marry her?"

"Yes."

"And she wants to marry you?"

"Yes."

"Then that's wonderful, Jodie! When's the wedding?"

"We haven't set a date. But you're welcome to come, if you want."

"I'd love to! Oh, Jodie, I'm so glad you didn't let what happened with Carol drive you back to men."

"No, it didn't do that." He was no more or less gay than he'd been the day he met Carol.

"In a minute, Boomer!" she suddenly yelled. "Sorry, that was Carol's daddy wanting breakfast."

Jodie remembered Carol's father, a big macho guy who called her Princess. Jodie wondered what Boomer would think of the marriage. Well, hopefully Mrs. David would present it in a positive way, although he doubted Boomer would want a wedding invitation.

"I should probably let you go."

"OK, Jodie. Talk to you soon. Give Wendy a kiss for me."

"I will. Goodbye."

After he hung up, he went over to the baby and kissed her cheek. "That's from Grandma. The one in Texas. I need to take you to see your Connecticut grandmother very soon. But first I need to call your future stepmother in Colorado."

He found the number he'd written down and dialed. And then when it stopped ringing, he found himself saying, "She thinks it's great that we're getting married, so please fly home as soon as you can, because I miss you like crazy."

"Uh, Buddy, I think you got the wrong number," said a very New York male voice, Jodie guessed an Italian from the Bronx.

"I'm sorry, um, is this Remo DaVinci?"

"Yeah, but I ain't marryin' you, Pal."

"No, sorry, can I speak to—?"

"Wait, you'd better not be calling for Jean."

"No, I don't want to marry your sister. Can I please speak to Alice?"

"The dyke? Listen, you've got a better shot of marrying me!"

"I wouldn't be so sure of that. Is she there?"

"Yeah, hold on. Yo, Jean, go get Alice!"

"Remo, what's going on?"

"You won't believe this."

"Wait, is that Jodie?"

"No, Jodie is her girlfriend, right?"

"No, Jodie is a guy."

"Did somebody say Jodie?"

"I think your fiancé is calling," said the girl, Jean.

"Oh, wow! Remo, gimme the phone!"

"Will someone please explain what's going on?"

"I'll tell you on the way to the deli. Alice, we'll talk later."

"Definitely. Hello, Jodie?"

"Alice?"

"Yeah."

"I can't get down on one knee and I think it loses something over the phone, but I really want you to marry me. And I think Mrs. David will be there."

"Oh, great, that means I have to invite my parents."

"Only if you want to."

"Well, I don't think I'll call them till I get back to New York."

"Good idea."

"So are you gonna call your mom now?"

"I think this is news that I should give in person."

"You want me to go with you?"

"Yeah, that might be a good idea."

"Do I have to deal with Chuck and Bob again?"

"They're gonna be your in-laws so, yeah, I think you do."

"Talk about for better or worse."

"Yeah."

"I'll catch the next flight out."

"Wendy and I will be waiting.


	9. Remeeting the Family

[The Campbells’ living room. Chuck and Bob are playing cards. Mary is baby-proofing the room.]  
MARY: OK, you two, no wisecracks about the baby.  
BOB: Are you kidding? I love babies. They’re the only ones smaller than I am.  
MARY: Wonderful. (Burt comes downstairs.)  
BURT: Mare, what are you doing?  
MARY: Baby-proofing the room.  
BURT: Wendy can’t even crawl. She’s just a cute little baby.  
MARY: How do you know she’s cute? (Burt does his rubbery-faced uncertain look.)  
BURT: (slowly) Because Jodie said she looks like him and you said he was a cute baby. Besides, all babies are cute.  
BOB: Chuck wasn’t.  
CHUCK: We hadn’t even met yet!  
BOB: I’ve seen pictures. (The doorbell rings.)  
MARY: That’s them! (She goes to the door and opens it to Jodie, Alice, and Wendy.)  
BOB: Oh, good, the lesbo’s here, too. (They all glare at him.)  
JODIE: Hi, Ma. Well, here’s your granddaughter.  
BURT: And your— (Jodie gives him a warning look.) And your dinner guests.  
MARY: Oh, Jodie, she’s adorable! Can I hold her?  
JODIE: Of course. (He hands the baby to Mary, who cuddles her.)  
MARY: Hi, Little Wendy.  
BURT: (making a face) Grandpa. (Wendy smiles.)  
MARY: Oh, it’s nice to see you again, Alice. Jodie told me you were visiting some friends in Colorado for a few days.  
ALICE: Uh, yeah, that’s right.  
MARY: Well, come in and make yourselves comfortable. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. (Jodie and Alice take off their coats. They all sit down.)  
ALICE: (to Chuck) Who’s winning?  
CHUCK: Bob of course.  
ALICE: Of course.  
MARY: So how was Colorado?  
ALICE: Nice. But it’s good to be back in New York. I mean when I am in New York. We’re obviously in Connecticut right now.  
MARY: Right.  
JODIE: (clasping his hands) So, Ma. And Burt. And Chuck. (Bob clears his throat.) And Bob. We’ve got some news. Good news. At least we think it’s good.  
BOB: Oh God, he knocked up the dyke! (They all glare at him.)  
MARY: Of course he didn’t— (to Jodie) Oh God, you didn’t, did you?  
JODIE: No, don’t be silly.  
BURT: They’re not, well, you know.  
MARY: (looking at him, surprised he knows something about this) Oh?  
BURT: I mean, they’re both gay, right?  
JODIE: Right. (He coughs.) Um, we are going to get married. (Mary, Chuck, and Bob stare at him. Then they look at Alice, who shrugs sheepishly. Then Danny comes through the still open door.)  
DANNY: Jodie, great, you’re here! Grab your coat. I need you to stake out a cemetery with me.  
JODIE: Uh, this isn’t about the kidnappers again, is it?  
DANNY: No, I met a girl.  
MARY: (in disbelief) Great, you can have a double wedding.  
DANNY: (chuckling) Well, I do like her but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. (Does a double take.) Wait, who’s getting married?  
MARY: Your brother.  
DANNY: No, really who?  
JODIE: (raising his hand) It’s me. (Danny looks at him and then at Alice.)  
DANNY: Oh, I get it. You don’t want to be a single dad. Hey, you brought the baby! Can I hold her?  
JODIE: Sure. (Mary passes the baby over to Danny.)  
DANNY: Gee, she sure is cute.  
JODIE: Thank you.  
BURT: Wait, back up. You met a girl in a cemetery?  
DANNY: Yeah, she’s a widow.  
BURT: Was this at a funeral?  
DANNY: No, Burt that would be tacky.  
BURT: Oh, excuse me. The way you two have picked your girlfriends so far has been oh so classy. (They all glare at him.)  
BOB: Wow, even I wouldn’t have said that. I’m impressed.  
BURT: Hey, come on. (counting them off on his fingers) A gangster’s daughter, a kidnapper’s girlfriend, a flake who runs off from the maternity ward with a cowboy, a lesbian, uh, no offense, Alice.  
ALICE: Not much taken.  
DANNY: Polly is a very nice girl. Uh, not that you’re not, Alice.  
ALICE: Thank you.  
DANNY: But she’s perfectly normal. OK, so she’s black. (They all look at him.)  
BURT: She’s a black widow?  
DANNY: Not like a spider but, yeah, technically she is.  
BOB: So you picked up a black chick in the cemetery?  
DANNY: I didn’t—We just went out for coffee.  
BOB: Black.  
DANNY: No, I had sugar in mine.  
BOB: Brown sugar?  
DANNY: (not getting it) No, just white granulated.  
MARY: So her name is Polly? Polly what?  
DANNY: I forgot to ask.  
MARY: (standing up) I’m going to check on dinner.  
ALICE: You want some help?  
MARY: No, that’s fine, Dear. You’re a guest.  
JODIE: Ma, she’s a really good cook.  
MARY: (smiling one of her tight little smiles) Yes, thank you, Alice, I’d appreciate that. (Alice gets to her feet and they both exit to the kitchen. Then Jodie gestures to Danny to have the baby back, so Danny returns Wendy to Jodie.)  
BURT: So, uh, you’re getting married. And you met a girl.  
DANNY & JODIE: (together) Yeah.  
DANNY: (to Jodie) You’re really marrying Alice? But aren’t you both still gay? I mean, it’s nice to do for the baby, but what about sex?  
JODIE: (sighing) Sex is over-rated.  
DANNY: You wouldn’t say that if you were straight.  
JODIE: Don’t get me wrong, I love sex.  
DANNY: With men or women?  
JODIE: Both.  
DANNY: Then you’re gonna have sex with Alice?  
JODIE: Maybe. Maybe not.  
BURT: Don’t you think you should figure that out before you get married?  
JODIE: Look, I love Alice but it’s not a sexual relationship. But I’d rather be with her and not have sex with anyone than be with someone like Dennis or Carol who cared more about sex than about trust and loyalty.  
BURT: But you could have sex with Alice, right?  
JODIE: Hypothetically, sure. (looking down at the baby) Um, I feel really weird having this conversation in front of my daughter, even if she’s too little to understand. I’m gonna take her upstairs and put her down for a nap. (He takes the baby upstairs.)  
DANNY: This is so weird.  
BURT: Yeah, but who are you to judge? I mean, a black widow?  
DANNY: OK, so she has darker skin than I do. And a dead husband. At least she likes guys.  
BOB: Yeah, but can you measure up?  
DANNY: (again not getting it) I don’t think he was that tall.

[Scene switches to the kitchen, where the two women are checking on dinner.]  
MARY: …And then Bob is a vegetarian but he will eat some….Are you sure you’re not pregnant?  
ALICE: Very sure.  
MARY: Ah. And you and Jodie haven’t, um.  
ALICE: No, just kissing.  
MARY: Ah. But you do know that marriage has certain, um.  
ALICE: Yes, I know. But Jodie and I have agreed, marriage or not, we’ll only, um, if we both want to.  
MARY: But you love him?  
ALICE: I’ve never loved anyone more.  
MARY: Well, I can’t say this is what I imagined for Jodie, but after everything he’s gone through, well, you seem to have been really good for him.  
ALICE: Thank you. He’s been wonderful for me.  
MARY: He’s a good boy. Good man. (She sighs.) I’m sorry, this is just a lot for me to deal with in one evening. I thought I was just meeting Wendy.  
ALICE: I know. Sorry about the timing.  
MARY: Alice, if you’re going to be part of this family, you’ll have to learn that the timing is always terrible with us.  
ALICE: Well, that’s comforting I guess.  
MARY: And now Danny is interested in a black girl. I mean woman.  
ALICE: Does that bother you?  
MARY: Only in the sense that I worry about him. I mean, yes, it’s probably less dangerous than marrying into a mob family was, but there are a lot of hateful, bigoted people out there.  
ALICE: Yeah, I know.  
MARY: I guess you do.  
ALICE: (nodding) Uh huh.  
MARY: I hope she’s as good for him as you are for Jodie.  
ALICE: That’s really sweet of you.  
MARY: I’m a sweet lady.  
ALICE: So that’s where Jodie gets it from. (They smile at each other.)


	10. Four Months Later

Jodie sighed as he got out of bed. Wendy was teething so he and Alice had got hardly any sleep these last couple weeks.

“You want me to go this time?” Alice murmured from the other side of the bed.

“No, it’s fine. I’m up anyway.”

“Yeah, but I’m awake.”

“Go back to sleep. Well, try.”

“Yeah, right.” She yawned, but she did roll over, trying to bury her head under his pillow as well as her own.

The bed thing. It wasn’t something his family understood, and Jodie had given up trying to explain. After Alice moved back in, she said he might as well continue converting her old room (once Carol’s old room) into a nursery, and Alice would sleep on the couch. And she did, at first.

But Jodie felt guilty about it. The couch was OK for a night or two but not long-term. So he’d offered to share his bed, platonically. Alice had hesitated but eventually said OK.

They didn’t touch each other. They slept on opposite sides. But it was nice having someone else in the same room, the same bed. Sure there was the adjustment to the various sounds they made in their sleep, but even that was a nice sort of intimacy. And after all, they were going to be married soon.

“One more week, Little Flower Girl,” Jodie murmured to his wailing baby. Wendy was too little of course to actually participate in the wedding, but he did hope she could attend. Aunt Jessica had promised to take Wendy outside if she started crying during the ceremony.

Jessica, all the Tates, thought this engagement was crazy, but he figured they were in no position to judge. Jessica had finally kicked out Chester, after years of infidelity, when he fell for their minister’s daughter, and she would’ve gone back to Detective Donahue if he hadn’t recently gotten married. Everyone knew Eunice was running around on Dutch. And Billy, now eighteen, was dating his ex-teacher.

Ironically, only Corinne, the reformed slut, seemed to have not much going on romantically, but she’d told Jodie that it was hard for her, as a single mom, to find guys who were comfortable with that. Jodie supposed he’d have a hard time meeting men as a single dad, if he were looking, which he obviously wasn’t.

He and Alice had talked about it, and they decided it wasn’t any different than if a straight couple got married and had to forsake all others. OK, they probably wouldn’t be having sex with each other, but there were married couples who didn’t, like Corinne and Tim most of the year that they were married. Yes, hypothetically Jodie or Alice might meet someone, but that could happen to a straight couple. It wasn’t reason enough to not get married.

Jodie got the baby to stop crying but then someone rang the doorbell and set her off again.

Alice appeared in the nursery doorway, wearing a ratty robe over her long flannel nightgown. “You want me to get that?”

“No, I’m the man.”

“So?”

“So this is New York and it’s midnight and I think it’s my job.”

“OK, but take your Mace.”

“I’ll leave the chain on the door.” He held the baby out to Alice. “See what you can do.”

Alice nodded and took Wendy into her arms. She hummed to her. She had a nice hum. (She said she couldn’t sing, just hum, but Wendy liked it.)

Jodie went to the front door and looked through the peephole. He caught his breath. Carol!

“Jodie, are you home? I know it’s late but—”

It wasn’t that Jodie was pleased to see her but she was once his best friend and she was his baby’s mother, and it was midnight in New York, even if this was a nice neighborhood. He couldn’t leave her standing out in the hall. Besides, the neighbors were confused enough as it was.

“Come on in,” he said.

“I’m sorry to bother you.”

“But you were just in the neighborhood and thought you’d drop by?” He shut the door behind her.

“Something like that, yes.”

“So how’s the, uh, cowboy?”

“He’s fine. We’re in town for the rodeo.”

“The rodeo’s in town? Damn, my chaps are at the cleaner’s.”

“You don’t seem too happy to see me.”

“Carol, you come into my life like a sailor on leave, tell me I’m going to be a father, then leave me at the altar, prevent me from seeing my child, then you abandon her. Now you show up again and you wonder why I’m not happy to see you?”

“You don’t know what I’ve gone through.”

“What you’ve gone through?”

“Jodie, is everything OK?” Alice had emerged from the nursery.

“Is this your fiancée?”

“I guess your mother told you.”

“Yes, but I didn’t believe her. I'd have expected you to get engaged to a real woman, to make your story a little more plausible.”

Jodie was about to defend Alice, but before he could speak, Alice crossed her arms and said, “A real woman? You mean the kind that breaks a man’s heart when he’s trying to do the decent thing? The kind that abandons her child?”

“Thank you, he’s already lectured me about that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it was something you just needed one lecture about.”

“Alice,” Jodie said warningly, although he was impressed.

“May I see Wendy?”

Alice uncrossed her arms and made a “be my guest” gesture. Carol wordlessly brushed past her and into the nursery. Alice went over and hugged Jodie. “Are you OK?” she whispered.

“No,” he said hoarsely. “But I’m really glad you’re here.”

“I always will be, Pal.”

When Carol returned, shutting the nursery door behind her, she looked over at Jodie and Alice. “You know you two don’t have to put on an act for me. I know Jodie’s still gay and he wouldn’t cross over for you.”

Jodie and Alice kept holding each other and he said, “It’s not an act. I love Alice.”

“Like you loved me?”

“I did love you, Carol, although my taste has improved since then.”

Alice bit her lip to keep from laughing.

“Yes, Jodie, you’re very good at that ‘just friends’ kind of love. And I’ll admit dating a lesbian probably takes most of the pressure off. And I’m sure if a social worker ever comes poking around, you two can show him the shared bed and fake being a real married couple. But I know you, and I don’t want my daughter growing up confused.”

“I suppose living with a cowpoke groupie would be more wholesome.”

“Alice,” Jodie warned again.

“Look, I didn’t come here to fight. I just wanted to see my baby. And I’ll be in town for a month so I would like to see her again before I leave.”

“So you’re not going to take her away again?”

Carol sighed. “She’s my daughter. But I can’t deny she’s your daughter, too. She looks as much like you as my mother said.”

“Thank you,” Jodie said, although he wasn’t sure if it was a compliment in this case.

“It’s just, well, it’s late. We can talk about this next time.”

“Talk about what, Carol?” Jodie demanded.

“I need to go.” She dashed out of the apartment.

Jodie let go of Alice and collapsed on the couch. She shut the door and then followed him over and sat down. He took her hand.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said.

He shook his head. “You can’t out-bitch Carol.”

“Give me another chance. I haven’t had enough sleep.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, maybe next time.” He sighed. “I, I feel really angry and resentful towards her, but I don’t want to. I mean, she is Wendy’s mother.” 

“I know.”

“I just wish she weren’t going to be in town so long.”

“Do you think she might try to stop the wedding?”

“She did the last time I tried to get married.”

“Oh, Jodie.”

“Alice, would you think I was getting fresh if I asked you to cuddle me in bed?”

“I’d think you were someone who needed comfort from his best friend.”

He nodded. So they went to bed and held each other until they fell asleep.


	11. Wedding Day

“Alice, you look lovely.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Campbell.”

“Please, call me ‘Mar—,’ I mean ‘Ma.’ ”

That was one of the things that had surprised her about this Connecticut family. All the “kids,” even the wealthy Tates, called their mothers “Ma.” Well, not Eunice so much. She’d always acted like she was better than everyone. Alice was not particularly disappointed that Eunice had run off with a man a couple days ago, leaving Dutch to be consoled by Corinne by the looks of things.

“Thank you, Ma. How’s Wendy?”

“Fine. I left her and Timmy with Mrs. David for the moment.”

Mrs. David hadn’t asked Alice to call her “Mom” or anything, but that was OK. It was sweet of her to come to the wedding like she’d promised, even though there was tension between Jodie and Carol. Wendy’s mother still hadn’t told them what was bothering her, and in fact she’d been polite the day she came by to “borrow my daughter” for a few hours. Alice had had a crazy fear that Carol wouldn’t bring the baby back, but she did, right on schedule.

“Do you think you and Jodie might have a baby together?” Mrs. Tate asked.

“Ma,” said Corinne warningly.

Alice dryly said, “I don’t think it’s likely.”

“Mary,” Mrs. Tate whispered loudly, “have you had The Talk with her?”

Mrs. Campbell, who was in the fifth month of her "change of life" pregnancy, pulled her sister aside to whisper something quietly to her.

Corinne confided, “Ma wanted to give me The Talk when I got married, but I pointed out I’d already lived with a man.”

Alice tried not to laugh. Corinne hadn’t exactly been a blushing virgin on her wedding day. Alice was less experienced than Corinne, but she wasn’t entirely ignorant of sex with men.

Her own mother definitely wasn’t going to be giving her The Talk. Alice hadn’t wanted to invite her parents. It would’ve felt wrong to try to get their approval of this marriage, especially when their rejection had almost driven her to suicide last year.

She now heard a knock at the door and a familiar voice ask, “Can I come in or is it ladies only?”

She nodded and Corinne opened the door to a dapper elderly man with a mustache.

A month ago, Jodie and Alice had taken Wendy to Central Park and run into Barney Gerber. This was especially surprising since Jodie had been told a year ago that Barney was dead. It turned out that Barney was living with his nephew, who didn’t approve of the friendship. So he wrote to Jodie saying that Barney had died. Barney hadn’t known about it at the time and by the time he found out, he decided to just let it go. If they were meant to meet again, they would. And now they did.

He’d thought that Wendy was Alice’s baby, so they’d had to explain. At that time, they’d assumed that Carol was out of Jodie’s life for good. Now, it was hard to say. But Alice wouldn’t let it ruin her wedding day. Especially not with Barney there to play Father of the Bride.

“I’m Jewish, you’re Jewish. And we’re both pretty fond of this fella,” he’d said, patting Jodie’s arm.

She’d told Barney how honored she’d be. And she was. He was more fatherly, or grandfatherly, than her own father. He accepted her as easily as he accepted Jodie. Not that he didn’t think the situation was weird, but Alice thought that, too, and she was in the middle of it.

She now gave him a hug and let him rave about how beautiful she looked in her wedding gown. She thought she looked OK. She wasn’t a beauty like her bridesmaids, Polly and Corinne. And she certainly had never expected to be a bride. But under the circumstances, she thought she’d do.

“So, Alice Dallas?” Barney teased.

She grimaced. “I know. I was thinking of hyphenating my last name, but Berlin-Dallas sounds like an international flight.”

“And Jo & Al sounds like a vaudeville team.”

She laughed. She was very glad he was there. It made her feel less nervous.

…

“So, you nervous?” asked the King of Nervousness.

Jodie shrugged. “Less than last time.” At least Alice would be a heck of a lot less likely to run out on him. He thought of how Carol had tried to voice her doubts about the marriage in the weeks leading up to it, but he had dismissed them, thinking it was just nerves. He knew that if Alice changed her mind, she’d tell him and he’d definitely listen. He’d be disappointed but the main thing was that he had her in his life. If it couldn’t be as his wife, that would be all right.

“It’s normal to be nervous,” Burt said.

“I was scared on my wedding day,” Danny admitted.

“With reason,” Jodie said, thinking of Danny’s mobster father-in-law, and for that matter of Elaine as she was then.

“Yeah. If I marry Polly, I’ll be nervous for normal reasons.”

Burt shook his head. He still didn’t fully approve of that relationship, although he wasn’t confused and disgusted by it as he’d been when Jodie was with Dennis.

“Do you think you will?” Jodie asked.

“I’d like to. But I’m still getting used to people’s reactions to us dating.”

Burt looked uncomfortable and gestured like he was going to suggest he go check on Alice. After knowing his stepfather for almost three years, Jodie felt like at least half of the communication was nonverbal.

Then someone knocked and Burt looked relieved to answer it.

“Carol!” Jodie gasped, although he didn’t know why he was surprised anymore. If there was one thing he could count on with her, it was the element of surprise. He hoped she didn’t want to attend the wedding. He’d rather not have her there, but it would feel rude to refuse her.

“Jodie, I’m sorry for the timing, but I really need to talk to you.”

“Now? I’m about to get married!”

“I know, but maybe you don’t have to.”

“Excuse me?”

“Jodie, I want Wendy.”

He considered offering to let her babysit while he and Alice had their week-long honeymoon in Jamaica, even though Ma would be disappointed that she wouldn’t get to watch the baby. But before he could say anything, Carol continued.

“For good. I want full custody.”

“You’re crazy!”

“I’m her mother.”

“Yeah? You didn’t seem to remember that a few months ago.”

“It’s different now. I’m ready to be a mother. And she’s my child.”

“She’s my child, too, and I’m the one who’s got her through teething and colic and everything else.”

“I want her and I’ve got a lawyer.”

“He can get a lawyer, too,” Burt said.

“He can get a team of lawyers!” Danny said. “A squadron of lawyers!”

“Guys, thanks, but I can handle this. Carol, I think I’ve proven I’m a much better parent than you are.”

“Well, then see if you can prove it to a judge and jury.” Carol left the room.

Jodie stood there stunned. And then he said, “Quick, Danny, check on the baby!” Was that why Mrs. David had come to the wedding, to get the baby in case Carol’s threat didn’t work?

Danny nodded and dashed off.

“They wouldn’t, I mean, they wouldn’t take her at a wedding.”

Jodie shook his head. He knew Burt was trying to reassure him but at this point he thought Carol was capable of anything.

When Danny came back and reported that Polly was holding Wendy, Jodie relaxed a little. But he did worry about Carol taking the baby through legal means. Yes, it would be a married man against a single woman, but his past and current sexuality were bound to come up in court, little as they had to do with his parenting skills.

…

Jodie didn’t get to talk to Alice until the reception, while they were dancing. She immediately said that they should cancel the honeymoon.

“You think she might try something while we’re away?”

“Maybe. And even if not, we can get refunds and you can use the money for your lawyer.”

“Yeah.” He kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry. This isn’t much of a start to our marriage.”

She kissed his cheek. “I’m with you. That’s all that matters.”

He stroked her hair and they kept slow-dancing.


	12. Custody Battle, Part One

“How did it go with the lawyer?” Alice asked when Jodie got home.

Jodie shook his head.

“He’s not gonna take the case?”

“No, he will, although he wasn’t sure about it at first. But he probably thinks of it as a chance to be around my Aunt Jessica, whom he’s infatuated with.”

Alice laughed. Jodie had told her about E. Ronald Mallu. He had been Mrs. Tate’s lawyer when she was on trial for murder. (None of them knew at the time that Mr. Tate was the murderer and had blocked the crime out of his mind.) Carol was Mallu’s assistant, which was how Jodie met her. Mallu had lost the case but he was the only lawyer Jodie knew, and he did sometimes take on and even win cases that seemed hopeless.

“It’s not funny, Alice.”

“Sorry. What did he say about the case?”

Jodie sighed. “He said the father hardly ever wins custody.”

“But you’re the better parent!”

“It doesn’t matter. And that I’m a homosexual who tried to commit suicide, after almost having a sex change, doesn’t help my chances much.”

“What about us being married? Does that help?”

“Not really, since you’re not exactly June Cleaver.”

“You kiddin’? I’m a great housewife.” Most of the childcare, as well as the housework, was her responsibility, since Jodie had his career and Alice had been fired from her last job when her boss found out about her “proclivities.”

“You know what I mean.” 

“Yeah, I know. But at least now you have a lawyer. And let’s face it, Carol’s love life isn’t exactly squeaky clean.”

Jodie shook his head again. “I don’t want the case to be decided on that basis.”

“But if it were and you won?”

“Then I’d be relieved,” he admitted.

“Come on, go prove you’re a good father, while I make dinner.”

He nodded and went into the nursery. Alice sighed. They could’ve been dancing to reggae and sipping tropical drinks right now if Carol hadn’t screwed up their honeymoon. Then Alice chuckled, thinking that these were not typical bridal thoughts.

…

“How did it go your first day in court?” Alice asked when Jodie got home.

Jodie slammed the door shut.

“That good?”

“I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t wake the baby.”

“No, it’s fine. She’s not napping.”

“Good.”

“Sit down and tell me what happened.”

He sat next to her but it took him a few moments to calm down enough to say, “Carol is such a bitch!”

“You wouldn’t think it to look at her.” That had been one of the biggest surprises, how girl-next-door and sweet Carol looked and talked. Eunice’s bitchiness was more on the surface.

“Yeah, tell me about it. I think she was wearing her Confirmation dress on the witness stand.”

“Jodie.”

“No, really. Lace, a cameo, high neck, long sleeves, long skirt, white of course. Maybe it was her great-grandmother’s Confirmation dress.”

“So she looked wholesome. That’s not a crime.”

“No, but perjury is.”

“Perjury?!”

“Yeah. She said she asked her mother to take Wendy to New York so the baby could ‘have a visit with her daddy.’ ”

“OK, a little fib. We know that Carol had taken off with the cowboy by then, but what does it matter?”

“Wait, there’s more. She said that ‘a group of homosexuals’ threatened to kill Carol if she ever came back for Wendy.”

“WHAT???”

“Yeah. So then I lost it. I got up and yelled that this was a lie. And the judge almost charged me with contempt of court. Can you believe it? I would’ve been arrested for Carol’s lies.”

“I’m sorry, Jodie.”

“Yeah. Anyway, Mallu pulled me back and made me apologize. I don’t know if I can get through this.”

“I wish I could be there.” It was a closed hearing, and Jodie had wanted her to stay home with Wendy anyway.

“You kidding? You’d probably be yelling at Carol, too.”

Alice sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. But listen, Pal, you’ve got to hold it together, in court at least. Come home and vent to me. Find a pay phone and call me from the lobby. But you play nice in court, or you’re going to lose Wendy.”

“I know,” he said quietly.

She got up and pulled him to his feet. “Come on. Let’s go in the nursery. You’ll feel better when you see Wendy again.”

He shook his head, “The thing is, every time I see her, I worry that it’ll be for the last time.” But he did go with her into the nursery. He picked up the baby and cuddled her. “Hey, how’s my little girl, my angel?”

They were so perfect together, father and child. How could anyone, even Carol, want to destroy this?

…

“How did it go in court today?” Alice hesitantly asked. This time she’d waited till Jodie had sat down on the couch and she’d brought him a can of beer.

He sighed and set the can on the table, on the coaster as she had trained him. (She was still a Jewish mother to him, but he seemed to find it comforting.) “Carol was on the stand again. Her lawyer asked why she didn’t show up in church on our wedding day. She said I’d told her it was just going to be a ‘marriage of convenience’ and she shouldn’t expect me to ‘carry out the duties usually designated to a husband and father.’ ”

“But you told me you would’ve had sex with her again once you were married.”

“Yeah. Even though I’m gay, I felt that was the right thing to do. And I loved her and, well, it wasn’t like I’d hated sex with her.”

“Yeah.” She wondered, as she had before, if Jodie would have sex with her if she wanted it. They still just kissed and cuddled and they were happy with that. Also, taking care of the baby wore them out. But was sex still a possibility someday? Did she want it to be?

Jodie continued, “Then she said that when she gets married, she wants her daughter to live in ‘a home of love and honesty.’ Can you believe it? She was lying about honesty!”

“Typical Carol.”

“Yeah, but the judge bought it. She, the judge, was even crying.”

“I’m sorry, Jodie, but if I didn’t know all that Carol had done to you and Wendy, I probably would’ve believed her.”

“I know. And then Mallu got up to cross-examine her and he implied she made a porno movie and was a child-abuser because she tried to defend herself from a teenage mugger.”

“Jeez! And he’s on your side?”

“Yeah. I wish he’d just stuck to the facts of her abandoning Wendy and repeatedly lying to me. But he’s supposed to be the best, so even if I don’t like his tactics, I can only hope they’re good enough to win. And, let’s face it, Carol is fighting dirty, too.”

“Yeah, but—” Alice broke off when the phone rang. “You want me to get that?”

“No, it might be Mallu. Court is adjourned for the weekend, but he might want to prepare me for Monday’s strategy.” Jodie got up and went to the phone. “Hello? Hey, Ma. OK I guess but—What? Oh no! Yeah, I’ll visit her tomorrow. Do you think they allow babies? All right. I’ll see you then.” He hung up and stood there looking stunned.

“What happened, Jodie?”

“It’s my Aunt Jessica.”

“Did they find out what’s wrong with her?” She’d been hospitalized after passing out at a dinner party that Jodie and Alice had to miss because the baby was colicky that night.

“Yeah, she’s got a rare blood disease. She’s only got a few weeks to live, or maybe just a few days.”

“Oh no!”

“Yeah. I’ll head up to Connecticut tomorrow and I’m bringing Wendy, since Jessica is her great-aunt. Wendy won’t remember her, but I don’t know, I’d like Jessica to be able to say goodbye to her.”

Alice nodded. She understood. “You should go, while you have the chance. And you’ll have the day off from court.”

“Yeah. Will you come with me?”

“Me?” Alice felt like she didn’t know Jessica that well.

“Yeah, you’re part of this family and you help me get through everything.”

“Of course I’ll be there.”

Jodie sat back down and hugged her. “Thank you. For everything.”


	13. Jessica

“Hey, Ma,” Jodie said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “How are you doing?”

She did one of her tight little smiles. “As well as can be expected.”

“Mary, I am so sorry,” Alice said.

“Thank you, Dear. I had a lot on my mind already, although nothing like this.”

“Like what, Ma?”

“Well, for one thing, the baby.”

“I know, but Mallu is the best and he’s doing what he can.”

“Oh, not that baby,” Jodie’s mother said, pointing at the one in Jodie’s arms. “I mean this baby.” She pointed at her own stomach.

“I know it’s risky at your age, Ma, but you said your doctor said you’re doing fine, right?”

“Well, yes, but, um, could I talk to you a moment?”

“Uh, I can go wait in the cafeteria or something,” Alice offered.

“Um, Jodie,” his mother whispered, “does she know about, um, Burt’s disappearance last year?”

“You mean his abduction by aliens?” Jodie asked.

His mother shushed him.

“It’s OK, Mary, he told me.”

Alice had had a hard time believing it at first, but she agreed that with his family it was in the realm of possibility.

“Well,” Jodie’s mother whispered so that they both had to lean in to hear, “I didn’t know that it was Alien Burt. I thought it was Real Burt. And, um, I slept with him. More than once.”

“Yeah, Ma, I figured that out.”

“Well, did you figure out that with the timing of Burt’s return, this might be Alien Burt’s baby?”

“Yeah, but didn’t Alien Burt look exactly like Real Burt?” Alice whispered.

“On the outside, yes. But on the inside he was, so Burt told me, really a little silvery man. And I’m just worried I might, well.”

“Have a little silvery baby?” Alice said.

“Ma, I’m sure it’ll be fine. And it could be Real Burt’s baby, right?”

“Yes.”

“Have you told Burt yet?” Alice asked. “I mean Real Burt.”

“No, I’ve just told Jessica, and now you two.”

“Maybe you should tell him.”

“Alice, I can’t. I mean, if I were sure it were Alien Burt’s baby, I would. But if it isn’t, why upset Real Burt?”

“Is there a reason why the three of you are standing outside Mrs. Tate’s room whispering?”

“Benson!” Jodie exclaimed.

Benson was dressed very nicely, in a gray three-piece suit, but otherwise he looked much the same as he had eight months ago when he’d come to say goodbye to Jodie. “So is this, uh?” he said, looking at Alice.

“Yes, this is Alice,” Jodie said.

“And you two got married?”

“Yeah.”

Benson looked at Alice again. “Why would you want to marry into this crazy family?”

She smiled. “I guess I’m a little crazy, too.”

“You’d have to be. How’s Mrs. Tate doing?”

“Well,” Jodie’s mother answered, “she’s not in much pain. And her attitude is very positive. But like I told you on the phone, she doesn’t have much longer.” She bit her lip to keep from crying.

“Ma, you don’t have to see her. Not if you’re not feeling up to it.” It wasn’t easy for Jodie, and he knew how close his mother and aunt were.

“It’s not like it’s going to get any easier. Let’s all go in together. That will make me feel a little braver.”

They all nodded and went in, finding Uncle Chester, Mallu, Jessica’s doctor, and the psychiatrist she was dating arguing over who got to hold her hand.

Wendy cried a little at the noise.

“Is that my grandson Timmy?” Jessica called.

“No, it’s your great-niece Wendy,” Jodie said.

“Oh, let me hold her.”

Jodie brought the baby over and gently set her in Jessica’s arms. He hovered nearby since he wasn’t sure how much strength his aunt had left.

“Oh, Jodie, I hope you get to keep her.”

“Me, too.”

“Don’t worry, thanks to my brilliant strategy, your nephew will win his case,” Mallu boasted.

Jodie exchanged an amused/annoyed glance with Alice.

“So you’re back,” Benson said to Mallu. He looked at Chester, who had moved back home after the minister's daughter left him. Jessica hadn't taken him back, but she was letting him stay since their children already had enough to deal with while she was on her deathbed. “And you’re still here.”

“Oh, Benson, you made it!” Jessica exclaimed.

“Of course.”

“Jodie, could you take the baby? I want to chat with Benson. It’s been so long.”

“Of course.” Jodie picked up the baby and held her. He tried not to think about how someday he might be dying in a hospital and Wendy would come to see him. Or worse, he could outlive Wendy, like the Major was outliving Jessica.

Everyone, including Jessica’s four suitors, stepped back to give her and Benson some privacy, but Jodie did hear Jessica say that Benson was her best friend, and Benson reply, “And you were the best person that was ever in my life.”

Alice met Jodie’s eyes and he knew she guessed what he hadn’t told her, hadn’t told anyone, that Benson was in love with Jessica. Then Jodie glanced at the four men on the other side of the room and thought about how they all thought they were in love with Jessica, but their love was shallow and selfish in comparison to Benson’s.

Jessica and Benson talked for a little while longer and then he excused himself to go get some coffee. Jodie had the feeling that Benson just didn’t want anyone to see him cry. Jodie really felt like crying himself, but he was trying to hold it together.

The four other men surged towards the bed but Alice said, “I think Mary would like to talk to Jessica.”

The men stepped back, respecting the closeness of the two sisters.

And then Mary and Jessica reminisced, and Jodie did cry a little. Alice came over and put her arm around him. And Wendy reached up, in the way she had, and touched his face. This was his family, too.

“We should probably go,” Jodie said after awhile.

“Jodie,” Jessica said, “I meant what I said on your wedding day. I think you two are wonderful together and I wish you many years of happiness.”

“Thank you,” Jodie managed to get out. He thought of how Jessica’s married life had been far from happy, and yet she had forgiven Chester all his lying and cheating. She was such a good, forgiving, trusting person. It was so unfair that she was dying, but who said life was fair?

He and Alice said goodbye to everyone, Mary giving them and the baby hugs.

Mallu said, “See you Monday morning, Dallas.” Jodie had the feeling that Mallu wouldn’t be giving much thought or attention to the custody battle over the weekend, but Jodie didn’t entirely blame him.


	14. Custody Battle, Part Two

Monday morning in court, when Earlene David was called to the stand, Jodie wasn’t worried. Carol’s mother, unlike Carol, was a good person, decent and honest. Yes, she was prejudiced and had tried to split up Jodie and Alice, but she had come to the wedding. And she’d brought Wendy to Jodie as soon as Carol left, when she could’ve raised her granddaughter herself.

But on the witness stand, she claimed that when she brought Wendy to Jodie’s apartment, Jodie was there with some men, himself dressed as a woman. And they’d all threatened to “beat the living hell” out of her if she didn’t leave!

Jodie jumped to his feet. Mallu got up and put a restraining hand on Jodie’s shoulder.

Mrs. David said that the group also threatened to kill her if she ever came back for Wendy.

Jodie couldn’t take it anymore. He threw the notes and lawbooks on the floor and ranted that this was a mockery and they were killing him. The judge ordered the bailiffs to carry him out.

Mallu came out to the hallway a minute later. “Dallas, get ahold of yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Am I in contempt of court now?”

“No, the judge is going to overlook it again. But you’re not exactly making yourself look like a stable parent, you know.”

“I’d rather be a parent like this than one like Carol, or her mother.”

“Be that as it may, do I have your word that you’ll try to control yourself the rest of the week?”

He thought of Alice’s advice. He nodded. “Yes, I’ll try.”

…

Tuesday morning, Mallu said he’d been thinking about it, and from the judge’s expression as they were carrying Jodie out, “she was obviously moved by your passion and fervor.”

“Do you think we still have a chance?”

“Probably not. Uh, don’t tell Jessica I said that.”

“I won’t,” Jodie grumbled.

Carol’s mother hadn’t been a surprise witness. Only her testimony had been a surprise. But Jodie was not prepared for Carol’s lawyer, Havisham, calling Dr. Aron Berlin to the stand. If he had any doubt who this was, the psychologist’s blue eyes, so like Alice’s but cold, would’ve told him.

“Dr. Berlin,” said Havisham, “you are a noted psychologist, correct?”

“Yes.”

“You are also Jodie Dallas’s father-in-law, correct?”

“Yes. Although I was not invited to the wedding.” His dry sense of humor was like Alice’s, too. Jodie thought of how much Alice had loved her father, and how much his rejection had hurt her. But Jodie had the feeling Dr. Berlin was not there to make amends.

“In your opinion, is Mr. Dallas still a homosexual?”

“Are you asking me as a psychologist or as a father-in-law?”

“You may answer that however you feel is appropriate.”

Jodie struggled to stay silent and in his seat, difficult as it was. How dare a man who had never met him, probably not even heard of him until Havisham contacted him, make judgments about Jodie’s life and identity?

Dr. Berlin sighed. “Well, in my observation, a homosexual may be reformed only if he has not fully experienced the homosexual lifestyle. For instance, in the case of adolescents who have experienced same-sex infatuations but not acted on them. But for a 27-year-old man such as Mr. Dallas, who has been with many men, reformation and reclamation are nearly impossible.”

Jodie wondered how Dr. Berlin defined “many men.” Jodie had never been promiscuous and he preferred to be in a committed relationship, like with Dennis.

“And as I understand it, forgive me for bringing this up in court, but your daughter is herself a lesbian, correct?”

Alice’s father sighed. “Sadly, yes.”

Jodie wondered if Dr. Berlin saw Alice as also beyond heterosexual redemption. It was getting harder for Jodie to keep biting his tongue.

“So you don’t see it as a sign of hope that they’ve married?”

“No, I’m sure that Alice is still too immature to live life as a natural woman.”

Jodie remembered a lazy Sunday he and Alice spent, soon after they became involved, before Wendy arrived. They sang soul songs. They both loved Aretha and they’d belted out “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman.”

Then Havisham said, “So you see homosexuality as a sign of immaturity?”

“Well, that was, until some misguided changes of the last few years, the standard and accepted view of homosexuality in psychology. You see, only through a committed relationship between a man and a woman can either achieve true adulthood.”

“What about nuns?” Jodie couldn’t help whispering, making Mallu snicker and then shush him.

“And that’s why Nature has designed parenthood for heterosexuals only.”

“Someone forgot to tell my sperm,” Jodie muttered.

Mallu bit his lip.

“Thank you very much, Dr. Berlin. No further questions.”

“Your witness, Mr. Mallu,” the judge said.

Mallu pulled himself together and got to his feet. He went over to the witness stand. “Dr. Berlin, do you know for a fact that your daughter hasn’t had sex with Mr. Dallas?”

“Well, no.”

“No further questions.”

Jodie shook his head. Mallu should’ve argued that who Jodie had or didn’t have sex with had no effect on his ability to be a good father. But maybe that was too much to expect at this point, especially from Mallu.

…

“My father said that?”

“Yeah.”

Alice punched a sofa cushion. “And I thought I was mad at Carol’s mother. But I can almost excuse her. She loves her daughter and wants to help her. And maybe she’s not as comfortable with us raising Wendy as you thought. But my father had no right to show up and butt in like that!”

“I don’t think he eagerly volunteered for it. Probably Havisham found out your father is a psychologist and figured that this was too good to miss.”

“Yeah, but my dad could’ve said no. God, he must really hate me!”

“I don’t know about that. I think he’s more disappointed in you than anything.”

“Yeah, I fell in love with a few women. What a horrible person I am!”

“Alice,” he said gently.

“You’re so lucky, Jodie. I mean, yeah, your family is crazy and they don’t always understand you, but they’re there for you.”

“You’re right. And I wish you had that, too. But you know what? You somehow grew up to be a warm, loving woman.”

“Nah, I never grew up. I’m an immature deviant, remember?”

“Right.” Jodie got up, walked over to the stereo, and put on some Aretha, hoping to see Alice smile again. It worked.


	15. Custody Battle, Part Three

Wednesday morning in court, Jodie wondered who Havisham could possibly call that could top the witnesses he’d had so far. Then to his surprise, Havisham summoned Jodie!

Mallu warned Jodie that Havisham would be rough on him, but Jodie felt like by this point he was immune. What more could they possibly throw at him?

Havisham asked if he was the same Jodie Dallas who had dated Dennis Philips the quarterback. Jodie didn’t answer. Dennis had nothing to do with this, beyond that he had been right when he said that Jodie couldn’t trust Carol.

Then Havisham asked, “Just how many different men have you dated, Mr. Dallas?”

Jodie wanted to say, “Is there a certain number that’s too many? How many is too many for me to be a good father?” But he didn’t want his words twisted.

“Answer the question please,” said the judge.

“It’s none of your business,” Jodie said flatly.

“It is the business of this court to determine whether your home environment is conducive to raising a child,” she said.

“It seems to me as if a decision has already been reached regarding my environment.”

“Mr. Dallas, this court is not about to draw conclusions until all facts are presented. Let me add, you’re not helping your case any by not answering these questions. Please proceed.”

So Havisham continued, and he wanted to know what Jodie did in bed with men, including “the mechanics.”

“I am not going to discuss my past with you.”

“All right. Perhaps the past is the past. But what about the present? What do you do in bed with your wife?”

“I do what any normal husband and father of a baby does. I hope that it’ll be her turn to get up when Wendy cries.”

“Very droll, Mr. Dallas. Isn’t it a fact that you have never had sex with your wife?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, it does show a certain level of abnormality. I understand your wife is an attractive woman, very feminine for a lesbian.”

“Thank you, I’ll tell her you said so.”

“The two of you share a bed but you are not intimate, are you?”

“We are incredibly intimate. I love her like crazy and she knows everything that I think and feel.”

“I mean physically intimate.”

“Is that really what this is all about? Whether Carol had group sex in a porno or whether I’ve slept with half the men in Manhattan? What if I had sex with Alice regularly, every night, and twice on Sundays? Would that make me any more or less of a caring father? And Alice has been far more of a real mother to my little girl than Wendy’s biological mother, despite Alice having been to bed with a few women.”

“How few?”

“OK, I’m done. Your inquisition about my private life is bad enough, but Alice’s is off limits. You can hold me in contempt. That’s fine. And I won’t lose my temper this time. But I won’t lose my self-respect either. I’ve proven, at least to myself, what kind of father I am. I would never expose Wendy to anything that was harmful or unfavorable to her health, either mentally or physically. And whether Wendy lives with me or not, at least she’ll know that I’ve always wanted her. And that I’ll always be there for her. And that’s something that no one can ever take away. If you’ll all excuse me, I’m going home.”

He calmly, even wearily, stood up and walked off the witness stand, and out of the courtroom. He caught a cab and went home to his wife and child.

…

Thursday morning in court, Jodie quietly told Mallu, “I got your message.” Mallu had called before Jodie got home and left the message with Alice that the judge would be rendering her decision the next day. Jodie half didn’t want to go back. It felt hopeless.

But Alice encouraged him to go. “At least you’ll know, one way or the other.” And she was right, as always.

When the judge was seated, she said, “Mr. Dallas, I have seen your integrity, fervor, and honesty.” She said was she impressed but she believed that an infant was generally best off with its mother. Then what was the point of this whole farce? Jodie would’ve ranted again, but he was too cut up inside. The only thing keeping him going was that he knew his family, including Alice, would rally around him and comfort him as best they could.

The judge said that she had decided last night to give Carol custody. So this was it, it was really over.

But then the judge went on to say that she had received a phone call that morning from Mrs. David, admitting she’d lied on the stand. So the judge awarded custody to Jodie! He’d never been so happy.

He hugged Mallu and then he went up to thank the judge for looking beyond his “crazy, irrational” behavior. He’d felt like his world was crumbling when he thought he was going to lose Wendy because of a pack of cruel lies. The judge shook his hand and wished him luck.

When the courtroom was almost empty, Jodie looked over at Carol, who seemed shattered. He felt no triumph and surprisingly no bitterness. After all, he wouldn’t even have a daughter if it weren’t for Carol. He could be big about this now that he’d won.

“Listen, Carol. We’ll work out the visitation rights. I won’t be any problem.” He wanted her to be a part of their child’s life.

To his shock, Carol told him that it wasn’t over. “And when it is over, you’re gonna wish you never had a daughter!”

He stood there stunned as she left the room.

…

“What do you think she meant?” Alice asked, squeezing his hand.

“I don’t know. Maybe she’ll fight the decision, take it to a higher court.”

“Well, even if she takes it to the Supreme Court, I’ll be with you.”

“I know, Alice.” He kissed her cheek. “And thank you.”


	16. Laundry Day

As Alice gathered the laundry from the dryer and took it upstairs in the elevator, she thought about how, for a change, things were going well for Jodie’s family. His Aunt Jessica had recovered from her mysterious disease and she was going to divorce Chester, while letting him live in the pool house till he found a job. OK, so that meant things weren’t going great for Chester, but it wasn’t like he deserved better, and Jessica could’ve been much crueler.

Eunice had come back when she heard about her mother’s illness and she’d wanted to reunite with Dutch, claiming that she’d been so overwhelmed by her love for Dutch that it frightened her. As Corinne had told it to Jodie and Alice one evening when she brought Timmy over to play with Wendy (not that the babies could do much more than parallel play but they were cute together), Dutch still loved Eunice and was grateful to her for all her help getting him out of prison, but he recognized that she was a cheater full of lies and excuses, like her father. So he chose Corinne. OK, so that wasn’t great for Eunice, but it motivated her to get a newspaper job covering the presidential campaign, and she apparently was enjoying that very much.

Things had fizzled out for Billy and his teacher, Leslie, but they were still friends and he saw the relationship as a learning experience. He was now focusing on preparing to enter Yale that fall, and New Haven was close enough to Dunn’s River that he’d be able to come home often.

As for the Dallases and Tates, Danny had proposed to Polly and she said yes. Mary had given birth to a healthy, un-silvery baby boy, named Scott after Burt’s great-grandfather. Even Chuck and Bob were doing well, getting lots of ventriloquism gigs. Best of all, Jodie had won the custody battle and they’d heard no more of Carol in the last couple weeks, despite her vague threat in the courtroom. Life was very good.

Alice set the basket down in the living room and went to take a quick look at Wendy before she’d sort and fold the laundry. She and Jodie were more relaxed parents than they’d been at first but she was a Jewish mother by training and she couldn’t help worrying until she checked to make sure everything was all right.

She would’ve taken Wendy down with her but she’d learned by experience that it was easier to just run up and down from the laundry room and leave the baby behind for a few minutes. And Wendy had been napping when Alice last left, so she was sure it was fine, but she just wanted to reassure herself, like when she’d double-check the locks at night.

She crept quietly into the nursery and over to the playpen. She smiled down until she saw that the playpen was empty. She told herself not to panic. Wendy was ten months old and she could stand and crawl although not yet walk. Perhaps she’d managed to somehow climb out of the playpen.

“Wendy!” Alice called, although of course Wendy couldn’t talk. She hoped that Wendy would cry or otherwise respond to her voice. But the apartment was silent.

Alice looked all through the room and then in every other room. There was no sign of the baby.

She tried to remain calm but she was really scared now. She didn’t know what to do. Should she call the police? Yes, it hadn’t been twenty-four hours yet, but that probably just applied to adult missing persons, not infants.

She decided to call Jodie at work. Maybe he’d come home and taken the baby to see him shoot commercials. It was odd that he hadn’t left a note but it was possible. Of course, if he had stopped by the apartment, he wouldn’t have had time to get back to the studio yet, but she could leave a message. She imagined a scenario where the baby in a commercial wasn’t working out so Jodie decided to use Wendy instead. Unlikely, but possible.

She took a deep breath and then dialed.

“Jodie Dallas, Ready for My Close-Up Productions. How may I help you?”

“Jodie, it’s me. I mean I.”

“Alice? What’s up?”

“It’s about Wendy.”

“Wendy? Is she OK?”

“I, Jodie, I don’t know what to say. She’s not here.”

“WHAT?”

“I went to get the laundry out of the dryer and when I came back, she was gone.”

“Alice, how could you leave her alone like that?”

“Jodie, I can’t manage a baby and the laundry at the same time.”

“You know Carol threatened to make me regret winning the case. How could you be so stupid and irresponsible?”

“Don’t yell at me! Especially not when I’ve been looking after your kid for almost a year, so that you could go off to work.”

“My kid? So, what, she’s nothing to you?”

“Jodie, please, I feel terrible enough.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, Alice. I’m really mad at myself. And you’re right. You’ve been wonderful. And we don’t know that Carol took her.”

“I was hoping you did.”

“Me?”

“I mean to work.”

“Well, maybe when she’s older, but— You’re sure she’s not there? I mean Wendy.”

“Yes, I’ve looked all through the apartment. Should I call the police?”

“Let me go home first and we’ll talk this out, figure if there’s some other explanation.”

“Like what?”

“Like, I don’t know, Corinne or my mother could’ve taken Wendy to the park and they’ll be back soon.”

“I hope so,” Alice said, but she couldn’t believe it.

…

Alice waited anxiously until Jodie came home. All she could do was sort, fold, and put away the laundry.

“Any word?” he asked when he came in.

She shook her head.

“And no note or anything?”

“No.”

“I wonder if the neighbors saw anything.”

“Come on, this is New York. They wouldn’t want to get involved.” She wasn’t entirely joking. Their neighbors seemed to regard this little family as odd, especially since there had been a time when the man of the house brought men home, and the lady of the house brought home ladies.

“Maybe Tommy saw something.”

Of course! If Carol, or anyone, had entered the building, they’d have to have passed the doorman.

“Let’s go downstairs and ask him.”

So they did.

“Oh, sure, I saw Ms. David, what was it, half an hour or an hour ago. She said it was her day with the baby, and they came downstairs a little while later.”

Alice wasn’t sure how much Tommy knew about Jodie’s personal life. He probably knew that Jodie and Carol had had a child together, but he might not know about the vicious custody battle. And Carol was so nice-seeming that Tommy probably suspected nothing wrong or unusual about her visit.

“Thank you, Tommy,” Jodie choked out.

“Did she leave in a car or a truck or anything?” Alice asked. She pictured something a cowboy would drive, although she didn’t know if Carol was still with the cowboy.

“Yeah, she had me hail her a taxi.”

A taxi, that was no good. They might’ve been able to trace the cowboy’s pick-up or whatever. And it was unlikely that Tommy noticed any details about the taxi. Even if he had, probably the cabbie wouldn’t be able to tell them more than something like, “I took the dame and the kid to the airport.”

“Thank you, Tommy,” Jodie said again and then walked back to the elevator.

“Is everything all right, Ms. Berlin?”

“We’re not sure,” Alice said and then joined Jodie in the elevator.

Back upstairs, Jodie said, “I think we need to call the police.”

Alice nodded. “It must’ve been her. Although I could’ve sworn I locked the front door before I went down to the laundry room.”

“It wouldn’t matter,” Jodie said quietly. “I never changed the locks.”

“Oh.” She thought that was foolish but she wasn’t going to say so. He probably felt bad enough. They were both to blame, but what were they supposed to do? Hire bodyguards for the baby?

She listened to Jodie’s side of the call to the police and then when he said, “I see. Well, thanks anyway,” and hung up, she demanded, “What did they say?” They couldn’t have used the 24-hours rule, could they?

“They said that since Carol is Wendy’s mother and since there was no ransom demand, it’s not technically kidnapping.”

“But you have custody!”

“In New York, yes.”

“What does that mean?”

“If Carol left the state, as seems likely, then the police have no jurisdiction outside New York.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“That’s the law.”

“You’re not going to just sit there and take this, are you?”

“I would love to hunt down and kill Carol, but I don’t think that would do Wendy any good.”

“Jodie.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess I could hire a detective to track Carol down. And maybe he could convince her to give up the baby. Or he could just ‘kidnap’ her back. I don’t know.”

“It might be worth trying.”

“Yeah. I guess I’ll go see Detective Donahue tomorrow.”

“Isn’t he the one your aunt was in love with? And he was in love with her.”

“Well, yeah, but if I were to avoid all the men that Jessica has been in love with and/or that have been in love with her, I’d never have had Mallu defending me.”

“True. I’m just thinking it might be awkward.”

“It’s not like I’d be inviting them both over for cocktails. He’ll be out of state looking for Wendy.”

“Right. Maybe you should go see him today.”

“It can wait.”

“Wait? Jodie, you’re talking about your little girl! Our little girl!”

He smiled a little. “Oh, now she’s ours?”

“You know I love her. It’s just, you were making me feel like an incompetent nanny.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve know I asked a lot of you. And Carol is sneaky. She probably would’ve come in the middle of the night if she hadn’t spotted an opportunity in the daytime.”

“Probably.” Alice sighed. “So why not talk to Donahue today?”

“Because I don’t feel up to it right now and because I want to collect my thoughts, be able to tell him everything I remember about Carol. Obviously he’ll check Texas, but I don’t think she’ll go back to her folks’, too obvious. And because.” He sounded choked up again. “Because maybe I believe that I’ve lost Wendy for good, and I don’t want to hear Donahue tell me he can’t do anything to bring her back.”

“Oh, Jodie!”

He started crying and she put her arms around him, letting him cry on her shoulder.

“Why is it I keep losing the people I love?”

“I’m here, Jodie. And you’ll get Wendy back, I swear it.”

He didn’t answer but just clung to her.


	17. Unplanned

ROD RODDY THE NARRATOR: (over exterior nighttime shot of a nice but not fancy New York City apartment building) We begin this episode of _Soap_ a couple hours after Wendy’s disappearance.  
[Jodie and Alice's bedroom. They’re both sitting and topless although she has the sheet up to her armpits.]  
JODIE: Um.  
ALICE: Yeah.  
JODIE: Alice, I’m really sorry.  
ALICE: Why? You were great.  
JODIE: Was I?  
ALICE: Yeah, the best man I’ve ever been with.  
JODIE: Well, thanks. But I meant I’m sorry that happened.  
ALICE: You wish you didn’t sleep with me?  
JODIE: I, um, no, it’s just, I don’t mean it like that.  
ALICE: What do you mean?  
JODIE: I always thought that if it was going to happen, we’d discuss it more first, work up to it.  
ALICE: Jodie, we’ve known each other over a year. And we’re married.  
JODIE: Yeah, but this wasn’t something we planned.  
ALICE: So it was too spontaneous?  
JODIE: Come on, Alice, you know what I mean.  
ALICE: We didn’t intend it and it just happened.  
JODIE: Sort of, yeah. And for the wrong reasons.  
ALICE: Because I was comforting you?  
JODIE: Well, yeah.  
ALICE: Like you comforted Carol?  
JODIE: No, that was different. She manipulated the whole situation and when she was crying, it was because I wouldn’t sleep with her.  
ALICE: While you were crying because you lost your child.  
JODIE: Well, yeah.  
ALICE: Jodie, look, I’m sorry if you’re having second thoughts, but I wanted you.  
JODIE: You did?  
ALICE: Yeah. And, sure, some of it was to make you feel less alone. But you’re pretty sexy, for a man.  
JODIE: Well, thanks.  
ALICE: Obviously, you don’t find me as appealing as you found Carol, but I can live with that.  
JODIE: No, Alice, you’re very sexy.  
ALICE: For a woman?  
JODIE: For a person. But it’s not something I usually dwell on because I don’t, didn’t want to mess up what we had.  
ALICE: So is it messed up now?  
JODIE: I don’t know. I mean, that was possibly the best sex I ever had.  
ALICE: (smiling) Yeah?  
JODIE: Yeah. I think being so emotionally close to you helped, but also you’re, um, surprisingly good at things you probably haven’t had much if any experience doing.  
ALICE: (shrugging) I read a lot of books. With pictures.  
JODIE: Ah.  
ALICE: OK, I’ll fess up. Corinne gave me a manual for a wedding present. You know, just in case the need should ever arise.  
JODIE: Somehow I don’t remember this present when we were filling out the thank-you cards.  
ALICE: It wasn’t exactly on the table with the other gifts. Anyway, I learned a bit.  
JODIE: Yeah, you sure did. (They kiss.) This is so crazy!  
ALICE: Crazy that you had sex with your wife?  
JODIE: Crazy that it happened like this. And we are still gay, right?  
ALICE: I thought you said you didn’t believe in labels as much as you used to.  
JODIE: Well, I don’t. But, and this is no reflection on you, I’m probably still attracted to men.  
ALICE: Well, I’m probably still attracted to women. But we are also attracted to each other.  
JODIE: Yeah. It’s just, OK, we’ve been sharing a bed for months and nothing happened.  
ALICE: I hate to say it, Jodie, but we’ve been so exhausted taking care of a baby, our libidos were probably sleeping better than we were.  
JODIE: (sighing) Yeah. I guess I feel guilty about that, too. Here my daughter is missing and I’m fooling around with you.  
ALICE: It’s better than sobbing in the living room.  
JODIE: But I’m a father! Of a kidnapped baby! I shouldn’t be thinking about sex.  
ALICE: I thought we didn’t think about it. We just did it.  
JODIE: Well, now I’m thinking about it.  
ALICE: And you regret it?  
JODIE: No, I regret the timing.  
ALICE: Well, it happened and we can’t undo it. But if you want to go back to the way it was before, we can stop sharing a bed. Just don’t expect me to pretend this didn’t happen.  
JODIE: I don’t. And I don’t know what I want. Well, I guess I want us to be a family again, you, me, and Wendy.  
ALICE: I want that, too. But whether we have sex together or not is not going to determine that.  
JODIE: It’s funny, I kept thinking during the custody trial that my sex life wasn’t important in terms of my fatherhood.  
ALICE: Well, you wouldn’t have been a father if not for your sex life.  
JODIE: You know what I mean. If you were a man, or if you and I weren’t celibate, it would make no difference to whether I should raise Wendy. And here we’ve been terrible parents and lost her, and we finally go to bed together.  
ALICE: We’re good parents. Carol is a terrible parent. And that’s not your fault. Or mine.  
JODIE: Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry.  
ALICE: It’s OK. It’s been a stressful day.  
JODIE: You could say that again.  
ALICE: I’d suggest a way to relieve the stress, but it doesn’t seem to have worked the last time.  
JODIE: Maybe we should try again. Intentionally.  
ALICE: You want to?  
JODIE: Yes, despite everything I’m worried about. I love you and you’re wonderful and this time you deserve to be made love to with a little more patience and tenderness.  
ALICE: You can still scratch my back if you want. (He blushes and then she kisses him.)  
JODIE: And you can bite my neck again. (She blushes and he kisses her. Scene fades out.)


	18. Donahue

“…And that’s all I can think of to tell you. Do you have any questions?”

Detective Donahue leaned forward in his chair. “Yes, how’s your Aunt Jessica?”

Jodie sighed. He couldn’t say he was surprised. “Well, she’s fine now.”

“Now?”

“Um, yes, she, well, a couple months ago, she was hospitalized with a mysterious disease. But she recovered!” he hastened to add.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Jodie could just picture it, five suitors at Jessica’s deathbed instead of four. “Well, for one thing, you’re married now.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t still care about her.”

“Well, I’m sorry. But getting back to my daughter’s kidnapping, is there anything you can do?”

Donahue leaned back again. “From what you’ve told me, I think I’ll start out following the rodeo circuit. Someone’s bound to remember Carol and someone’s bound to talk.”

“Then you’re going in person?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, when you investigated my uncle’s disappearance, you stuck around Dunn’s River, and someone told you he died, when he didn’t.”

“In that case,” Donahue admitted, “I wanted to stick around your aunt. Obviously that won’t apply here.”

Jodie decided not to mention that Jessica was going to Reno for a quick divorce. Better to not let Donahue know that she wasn’t involved with anyone right now and would soon be completely free. Even if Donahue loved his wife, he probably had regrets about Jessica and it would be easier if he thought he’d be leaving her behind and unavailable in Connecticut.

“Also, Chester had amnesia and was living as a hobo, so it wasn’t like he had any schemes. Carol is a clever and sneaky woman whom I’ll have to stay one step ahead of. I need to go in person. Shirley will just have to understand.”

“Shirley?”

“My wife. I haven’t taken any out-of-state cases since we got married. But she knew when she married me that I’m a detective. It’s my job. And there are going to be sacrifices.”

“Uh, right. How should I pay you? Considering you’ll be traveling to we don’t know where.”

“One thousand up front, the rest when I bring your daughter back.”

“And if you don’t bring her back?”

“I will. But if I don’t, you don’t have to pay me.”

That was kind of him but Jodie would give almost anything to have Wendy home and safe. The thousand up front was a lot, but worth it. He wrote out the check and gave it to Donahue, who thanked him.

“You’re welcome. Will you be in touch? Even if you don’t find anything?”

“I’ll call twice a week.”

“Which days?”

“It depends where I am and what I’m doing. But I will call.”

“Thank you.” For some reason, Jodie remembered Alice promising to stay in touch when she planned to leave him for good. It was almost a year later and she was still in his life. If only they had Wendy back, if only their family was complete.

He went home to report to Alice.

“Well, it sounds like it’ll take awhile but he’ll find them.”

“I hope so. Actually, I almost don’t care if I never see Carol again. As long as I get Wendy back.”

“I know.”

They kissed and he thought about how things had changed between them. In a way, he was glad. He liked having this side of their relationship, but it was an adjustment. He supposed it was more accurate to call themselves bisexual than gay. He couldn’t help wondering what would’ve happened if he’d told Carol he was bisexual. Would she have seen that as straight enough, or would she have still resented his past? He was monogamous, he knew that, and that was more than some people in his family could say.

“What are you thinking?” Alice asked, breaking off the kiss.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go into all that. And then the phone rang. He answered immediately, hoping against all odds that it was Donahue or someone with a clue to Wendy’s kidnapping.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Jodie, are you three still coming home this weekend?”

He had forgotten about the promised visit. He noted that his mother still referred to it as home, although he’d been living in this apartment for over a year and a half.

“Uh, no, Ma. We’re not.” He felt guilty he hadn’t called her immediately when he found out about Wendy’s disappearance. As gently and as simply as he could, he told her now.

“Oh, Jodie! How awful!”

“Yeah, but I’ve hired Detective Donahue.”

“Oh.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, it’s just, he told Jessica that Chester was dead and then he had an affair with her and wouldn’t leave the house even after Chester came home.”

“Oh, right.” Jodie had forgotten that part. “But it’s different now. He’s married.”

“Yes, of course.” Judging from her voice, Jodie had the feeling that she was thinking about how men never seemed to get over Jessica. Then she said, “Well, you two are still welcome to visit. I mean, we don’t just want to see the baby. And I think it would do you two good to get out of town for awhile.”

Jodie didn’t say that it wasn’t exactly like taking a vacation to a tropical island. Then he remembered Alice sacrificing their honeymoon to ensure Wendy’s safety. He wondered what would’ve happened if they’d gone? Would Carol have kidnapped the baby without going through the custody trial? Would Jodie and Alice have ended up having sex back then?

“Jodie?”

“Yeah, thanks, Ma. We’ll be there.”

After he hung up and told Alice, she said, “Um, are we going to tell them about us?”

“Let’s hold off on that.”

“Are you still rethinking us getting sexual?”

“Yeah, kind of. I mean, like I said, it was great, but I’m not sure about starting anything up when I’m so worried about Wendy.”

“Oh.”

He wondered if that was a cop-out. It had felt very comforting to tangle his body with Alice’s, but it had also tangled up his brain.

“Do you want to put it on hold for now?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Jodie, I love you. I’m not just after your body.”

He winced, remembering Carol saying that. She hadn’t meant it, or at least she hadn’t wanted to give up his body. With Alice, he wasn’t sure.

Alice didn’t seem to notice. She said, “Well, I know you wouldn’t want to fool around in your old bedroom this weekend.”

“No, especially not since I’ll have to share the room with Danny.”

“So where am I sleeping, with Chuck and Bob?”

“No, no need for you to suffer.”

She laughed. It was good to hear her laughter again.

“I’ll let Ma figure that out.”

“God, can you imagine what Burt would say if he knew about last night?”

As a matter of fact, Jodie could. Burt would squeal and exclaim that he always knew Jodie was straight. That was another reason not to say anything just yet. He could pursue this with Alice after Wendy was safely home.


	19. Corinne

Corinne gave Alice a hug hello. Wendy’s kidnapping had obviously put an end to the babies’ play-dates, so Corinne hadn’t seen Alice or Jodie in the past month. She felt terrible for them. She’d always been fond of Jodie, her favorite cousin, and she liked Alice, too. She didn’t judge them for their sexuality, because they’d never judged her. (Unlike Eunice, the hypocrite!) They were nice people and, OK, their relationship was weird and confusing, but it made them happy.

The other thing was, she could definitely relate to worries about a baby. Not that Tim would ever kidnap Timmy. If anything, Tim was indifferent to their child. First, he hadn’t believed that that was his son, which she could sort of understand, considering her very brief pregnancy. But even after she convinced him and he came home to help with the exorcism, he never spent much time with Timmy. And he hadn’t visited or even called since he left. He just wasn’t meant to be a husband or father.

Anyway, she did worry about Timmy. After all, when the devil possesses your firstborn, it makes you a little overprotective. It had been hard for her to date and leave him at home, even though she had plenty of people to babysit. (Like right now, Dutch was minding Timmy while she met Alice in the park.) She couldn’t help wondering sometimes if part of her involvement with Dutch was the convenience factor. She loved him dearly, but if he’d lived in another town, rather than down the hall, they might not have gotten anywhere.

“How ya doin’?” she asked when she and Alice let go.

Alice sighed. “OK. We haven’t heard anything except that Donahue is heading further and further west, trying to catch up with Carol.”

Corinne thought but didn’t say that she wondered if he’d end up in Nevada. Corinne’s mother was in Reno, getting a divorce. Corinne had always disapproved of her father cheating on her mother, so she couldn’t say she felt bad about this, as Eunice had when she called the other day. OK, Corinne had slept with a few married men, but she wasn’t proud of it. Anyway, she liked Detective Donahue, but he was married and Corinne wasn’t entirely sure he and her mother had gotten over each other.

“But that’s not why I wanted to meet with you today. I need some advice.”

“Yeah?” Corinne wasn’t sure if she was the best person to ask. She’d made so many mistakes in her life. But then, she supposed that was true of everyone in the family.

“Yeah. Well, not advice exactly. But, um, can you tell me the name of your obstetrician?”

Corinne stared at her. “You’re pregnant?”

“Um, I’m not sure. It’s only been a month. But I’m late, and that’s never happened before.”

“And if it had, you’d have been dating women.”

“Well, yeah.”

“So you and Jodie?”

“Yeah. Um, he was upset about Wendy’s kidnapping and I comforted him.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, it was good. I enjoyed it. But that’s how it started.”

“I see,” Corinne said, unintentionally sounding like her mother.

“So, I could go to my gynecologist of course, but I don’t want to get into a long discussion about this. And I figure, well, your obstetrician saw you through a very unusual pregnancy, so she’d be less surprised.”

“Have you told Jodie yet?” 

“No, I want to wait till I’m sure. He’s already got so much on his mind, with Wendy being missing.”

“Yeah, but he loves you and you shouldn’t go through this alone.”

“Well, if it’s positive, then I’ll tell him of course.”

“And if not, you’re just going to keep the pregnancy scare to yourself? Well, you, me, and my obstetrician.”

“I might tell him someday, but not now.”

“So, what are you going to do if you are pregnant?”

Alice sighed. “I’d like to keep it. And I think Jodie would want it. Not as a replacement for Wendy. But maybe it would be comforting to him to know that we could have a child that no one would take from us.”

“Yeah. Wow, no offence, but I never thought my gay cousin would be the one to have two unplanned children.”

Alice chuckled. “Yeah.” She sighed again. “I wish we had planned this. We didn’t even plan the sex. And the timing isn’t great. But I used to think I could never be a mother. And now maybe I can be.”

“Will you be disappointed if you’re not pregnant?”

“Yes, but maybe that would be for the best. I don’t know. We could always decide to have a child later, when Wendy’s back and we’re more sure about us.”

“Which us?”

“Me and Jodie. We haven’t, not since that night. He’s too worried about Wendy.”

“Oh.” Corinne thought about how her sex life with Tim had never really got going. Tim was attracted to her but felt too guilty about leaving the priesthood. It was a different situation with Dutch. They had trouble keeping their hands off each other, even when he was in the kitchen.

(Her mother had thought about replacing Benson, but Dutch was so good with cooking and housework, and so willing to do it since he was grateful to have a home and family with them, he was sort of the butler now. Or maybe househusband, although he wasn’t married to any of them.)

“And also, well, it’s been an adjustment for me, to realize that I’m probably bisexual rather than lesbian, but I think more of Jodie’s identity is wrapped up in being gay. He’s attracted to me, and I think he was to Carol, too, but in a way I think he wishes he was just attracted to men.”

“Well, it would be simpler I guess.”

“Maybe.”

“He does love you, Alice.”

“I know that. But I think it was easier when he loved me in a ‘hugs & kisses’ kind of way. For me, too. I mean, I’m excited about the idea of us having a baby together, but I’m also really nervous.”

“About being a mother?”

“Yeah, partly, although I’ve had practice with Wendy of course. But I’m also worried about how this is going to change things between me and Jodie.”

“The sex or the parenthood?”

“Both. I mean, we are committed to each other, but a baby together would make it feel even more serious. As for the sex, it does change a relationship when you go from not having it to having it.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Corinne said, trying to think of a romance where she had never had sex. Well, middle school. But not since then.

Alice laughed. “Come on, what about you and Dutch?”

“Well, that was a special case. Since he was my sister’s boyfriend and we didn’t admit our feelings till she ran off. But, yeah, before that we were becoming friends. He was good with Timmy and I enjoyed his company. That’s still true now, but yeah, sex makes a difference. And for you and Jodie, I would guess it makes an even bigger difference, since I was used to having sex with men, and Dutch was used to having sex with women.”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, it is different. But Jodie is different. Not just because he’s male but because he’s so smart and sweet and funny.”

“He’s a good guy.”

Alice nodded. “He is. Now can I please have your obstetrician’s name and number?”

Corinne nodded and took a pen and notepad out of her purse.


	20. Not a Vacation

Alice meant to tell Jodie as soon as he got home from work, but he greeted her with, “Hi. Do you still want to go to Alaska?”

She blinked. “Excuse me?”

“That’s where Donahue has traced Carol and Wendy to. But he’s promised his wife he wouldn’t investigate outside the continental U.S.”

“Oh. So you, we would be picking up where he left off?”

“Yeah. Unless we wait till they come back to the Lower Forty-Eight. If they ever do.”

“Oh. Um, how long do you think this would take?”

“I don’t know. It may be a wild goose chase, but I’ve got to get my daughter back.”

She knew she should tell him he was going to have another daughter, or a son. But instead she said, “Well, would it be weeks? Months? Years?”

“I’m hoping weeks.”

Well, at least he didn’t say eight months. If it was only one or two, she could go. She’d still be in the first trimester and travel hopefully wouldn’t be a problem. She’d still have to tell him but maybe she’d wait till they were on the road. Besides, Corinne’s doctor had said that it could be a false positive, since it was still so early. Alice was supposed to come back in a few weeks to make sure. Maybe they’d find Wendy and be back in time for Alice’s appointment. If not, she’d reschedule.

“I guess I’d better pack a sweater.”

Jodie smiled and hugged her. “Thank you.”

“Hey, Pal, I’d rather go with you and help, than sit around here waiting and worrying.”

“Yeah. That’s how I feel. It’s been rough waiting to hear back from Donahue.”

She let go. “Um, what do you want to do about the apartment?”

“The apartment?”

“Yeah, since we don’t know how long we’ll be gone.”

“Oh. Maybe Danny and Polly could sublet from us. After all, they’re engaged and will be living together soon anyway.”

“Good idea. But, oh, your poor mother!”

Jodie nodded. “Yeah, Ma will have one of her sons moving to New York, and the other traveling to Alaska and who knows where else.”

“Well, at least she’ll still have Chuck & Bob.”

Jodie chuckled.

…

When Alice threw up in the airplane restroom, she wasn’t sure if it was morning sickness. She was usually fine flying, but this was a very long flight and there had been some turbulence earlier.

“You OK?” Jodie asked when she returned to her seat.

“Well, I feel better now,” she said. She did, although her brain was almost as unsettled as her stomach had been. Maybe she should’ve told Jodie before they left, but after she missed her chance to tell him when he first got home, there hadn’t really been a quiet moment.

He had called Danny to arrange the subletting and then talked to their landlady. Then he called the studio where he directed commercials and made arrangements for an indefinite leave of absence. And then he called his mother and broke it to her.

Meanwhile, he had Alice go and book two tickets on a one-way flight to Juneau. They couldn’t plan on a round-trip, because they didn’t know if the trail would end in Alaska. For all she knew, they could be traveling around the world before they found Wendy. But if she’d said that to Jodie, she knew he’d say that he’d do that if he had to. And Alice felt like it was her job to be at his side.

“Here,” Jodie said, and gently pressed a moist towelette against her forehead. He must’ve gotten it from a stewardess while she was gone.

“Thank you.” They’d been together long enough that they had taken care of each other while sick, although generally their health was good. She could imagine him doting on her once he knew she was pregnant, if she was. He probably would’ve spoiled Carol, if she’d stuck around longer.

Then Alice realized that there might not be any moments of her sitting on the couch, Jodie fluffing pillows and bringing her tea. They might still be on the road as her pregnancy advanced, or at least he might be. Perhaps he’d send her back as soon as he found out, or at least when her pregnancy got to be a hindrance to his search. Well, for now she could enjoy his attention, and try not to worry about the future.

“Do you want to trade seats?” he offered. “Does being by the window make it worse?”

“No, I like having the view. Unless you wanted it.”

“No, I’m good. But thank you.”

They were high above the clouds right now, but later when they were at a lower elevation, she could see a gorgeous aerial view of pure blue sea and ice-capped mountains of brown and green. She remembered when she’d considered running off to Alaska and she’d dreamed of such unspoiled wilderness. Yeah, there was the pipeline, so it probably didn’t look this pure and untouched down on the ground, like in the magazine pictures she’d seen as a kid, but she had the feeling that there was still a lot of beautiful nature to appreciate.

Not that this was a sightseeing vacation of course, but she was grateful that Jodie had asked her along. She could definitely think of worse places to look for Carol.

And it was only September, so the days would be relatively warm, the nights not yet short. She had packed a sweater, but this would be better than if they were going in the winter. Of course, she had the feeling that Jodie would go through a blizzard to get his little girl back.

“Wow!” Jodie exclaimed. He was leaning towards her to see the view.

She smiled and shifted so that he could see better. She was glad they could share this, even if it wasn’t a vacation.


	21. Logging Camp

Jet-lagged though they were from the ten-hour flight, Jodie wanted to keep going, following Donahue’s directions into the interior. So they got a connecting flight to Fairbanks later that morning, rather than check into a hotel in Juneau and get some rest.

Alice looked pale and tired but she didn’t make any objections. He gave her a side-hug since they had their carry-on luggage. “You really are super. Thank you.”

“Hey, this was part of our wedding vows, right?”

He chuckled. Yeah, she’d definitely been through “for worse” with him. Well, hopefully there would be more “for better” soon.

Their main luggage would be transferred to the next flight. He thought it would be a heck of a time for the airlines to lose their luggage. But they and their suitcases arrived safely in Fairbanks.

“So how are we getting to the camp from here?” Alice asked when they finished at the baggage claim.

Jodie had been surprised at first when Donahue told him Carol’s latest location. This wasn’t exactly part of the rodeo circuit. But Donahue had reported that Carol was now involved with a lumberjack. They were last spotted in Oregon but were supposed to have moved on to Alaska. 

Donahue’s wife, Shirley, apparently missed him a lot, and she drew the line here. Jodie wanted to be more involved in the investigation, so here was his chance. Alice was understandably surprised, but she was as loyal as ever. He really didn’t know what he’d do without her.

“Please tell me it’s not by huskies and a bobsled.”

“No, we’ll rent a car. Well, maybe a truck.”

“A truck. Jodie, we’re New Yorkers, we don’t drive.”

“Hey, it’s not like there’s going to be a lot of traffic in the interior.”

She looked like she wanted to argue but didn’t.

So they rented a Jeep Cherokee. He drove, she read the map. They got lost only twice and only bickered a little.

“Now I really feel like a married couple,” she said.

The sun was setting when the lumber camp came into sight. Jodie was relieved although he didn’t really have a plan. In the extremely unlikely event that Carol just handed Wendy over, Jodie would have to drive back to town in the dark. But at least they were here.

“What are you doing?” Alice asked when he locked the car.

“Oh, right.” They weren’t in New York. Not that there wasn’t crime up here. Obviously there was, since Carol was a kidnapper, but it was pretty unlikely that anyone would come along and steal the car.

“Come on.” Alice started walking towards a log cabin. Did she have a plan?

Jodie followed. He knew this was crazy, especially since they didn’t have any weapons, or even Mace. And the lumberjacks would at least have axes, right? But he couldn’t let Alice go alone. And maybe the element of surprise would help. Maybe Carol wouldn’t expect this because it was crazy.

So they got to the cabin door and Alice smoothed the sides of her hair, which was frizzing under her wool hat. Then she looked at Jodie and smiled a little.

He knocked. He figured this was his mission, his child. He should be the one to knock.

“Hang on,” yelled a deep voice. It didn’t sound too scary, but not too friendly either. And then after a minute a big, bearded lumberjack opened the door and smiled. “Hey, you must be Jodie. And Alma?”

“Uh, Alice.” She sounded as puzzled as Jodie felt.

“Come on in. You’re just in time for dinner.”

“Uh, thanks,” Jodie said. Was this a trap? Still, what choice did they have, other than getting back in the car and driving off without Wendy or even information.

The cabin was cozy on the inside, with hand-made rugs and wood furniture. It wasn’t really what Jodie was expecting. He’d thought this would be more of a fortress, or at least more macho.

“Can you tell Carol I’m here?”

The lumberjack shook his head. “I’m afraid she’s not here.”

“Oh. Uh, when will she be back?”

“Probably never.”

“Oh.” Jodie didn’t know what to say.

“What’s going on?” Alice demanded.

The lumberjack sighed. “I’ll let Dave explain over dinner.”

Jodie and Alice looked at each other and mouthed, “Dave?”

…

Dave was the lumberjack that Carol was involved with when she went to Alaska. But then she met a surfer, so she and Wendy were now in Hawaii, as far as Dave knew. He was hurt but not surprised by Carol’s abandonment. “From what I hear, she makes a habit of running out on people.”

“Yeah, she does,” Jodie said quietly.

“More gravy?” asked Norm, the other lumberjack.

“No thanks.”

“Where in Hawaii?” Alice asked.

“The Big Island. That’s all I know from her note. I guess she didn’t want me following her, not that I would.”

That narrowed it down a little but Jodie couldn’t help wondering if maybe by the time they got there, Carol would’ve moved on to a new guy, a new place. He wouldn’t care if only she would stop taking Wendy with her. He thought of how Carol had lied in court about how she wanted to provide a stable home for the baby. 

“So we’ve got a spare room if you folks want to bunk here for the night.”

Jodie looked at Alice, who looked pale and exhausted. “Yeah, thanks. We really appreciate it.”

“No problem. We’re sort of brothers, aren’t we? You and me. The Brotherhood of Carol’s Exes.”

“That’s a big brotherhood,” Jodie said.

Everyone laughed, although he hadn’t meant to be funny.

…

The spare room and the bed were both tiny. Jodie had gotten used to sharing his larger bed with Alice. He thought of how they hadn’t had sex since twice that one night. He hadn’t been in the mood. He still wasn’t. But it was going to be hard to not at least cuddle, lying so close to each other.

“Can we still just cuddle?” he asked.

“Of course, Pal,” she murmured sleepily. And she soon drifted off in his arms.

He kissed her forehead and wished he could sleep.


	22. Hawaii

The last thing Alice expected was to be greeted by a stranger at the Honolulu airport, especially one holding up a sign with Jodie’s name on it. She looked at Jodie but he shook his head, looking as puzzled as she was.

This flight was six hours, not as bad. And her nausea was under control. Still, it felt good to be on solid ground again, for however long it would be.

The man with the sign was middle-aged and wore a Hawaiian shirt and plaid slacks. She wasn’t sure if he was a local or a tourist. But when they went over to him, he smiled.

“Jodie? And, uh, Alberta?”

“Alice,” she said.

“And, yeah, I’m Jodie. Not to be rude, but who are you?”

“Phil Parker.”

“Do I know you?”

“No, but I know someone who knows people who know you.”

“Oh.” Jodie looked at her as if wondering if they should trust this guy.

She shrugged. She wasn’t sure if they had a choice.

The man accompanied them to the baggage claim and helped them carry their suitcases out to his car.

“May I ask where we’re going?” Jodie asked.

“I’m taking you to see my wife.”

“Oh.”

That didn’t really clear up anything, but it didn’t seem like the man was going to tell them anything. So they mostly rode in silence. Alice tried to enjoy the scenery, as she had in Alaska. It was just as beautiful of course, but so different. She couldn’t help wondering where their next stop would be in this meandering journey.

But when they got to the man’s house, a middle-aged woman in a muumuu greeted them at the door and she was holding Wendy!

“My God!” Jodie gasped.

Was this middle-aged couple kidnappers? Or had they rescued Wendy from her kidnapping mother? What was going on here?

“Jodie?” the woman asked.

“Yeah.”

Then the woman held the baby out to him. Jodie rushed over and cradled his precious daughter in his arms again.

Alice and the man followed.

“Come inside. I’ve made iced tea,” the woman said.

Alice would’ve expected something more tropical but she wasn’t going to refuse it.

It wasn’t till they were all sitting around drinking tea, Wendy in a high chair with the tea in a sippy cup, that Jodie asked, “Who are you?”

The woman answered, “Jewel Parker.” The name meant nothing to Alice and didn’t seem to to Jodie either. But then Mrs. Parker added, “My first married name was Campbell.”

Now Jodie stared at her and said, “Jewel Campbell? You’re Burt’s ex-wife!”

“Yes.”

“Why do you have my child?”

Mrs. Parker sighed. “It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

“Well, first of all, you should know that Carol was working for Ingrid Svenson.”

It took Alice a minute to place the name, then she remembered hearing about this woman, Corinne’s birth mother, who had sworn revenge on the Tates and Campbells for taking her baby away to be raised by Jessica. (Technically, it was Jessica’s mother who had done this, but Ingrid blamed the whole family.) She had disappeared before Alice met Jodie, but he and Corinne had mentioned her a few times.

“What do you mean working for her?” Jodie asked, when he was no longer stunned into speechlessness.

“Ingrid used her to make you unhappy. She was blackmailing Carol, for things Carol did as a teenager.”

Jodie shook his head. “But Carol claimed to love me.”

“She did end up falling for you, but that wasn’t part of the original plan. Neither was getting pregnant. Ingrid wasn’t happy. She insisted on Carol leaving you at the altar and then making you miserable about the baby. But Ingrid is dead now and Carol is free.”

“Dead? Did someone kill her?” Alice asked, wondering if Jewel or Phil had. Or maybe Carol did it, although that wouldn’t exactly make her free.

Jewel shook her head. “Ingrid had a heart attack. She was a very tense, angry woman.”

“That’s for sure,” Jodie muttered.

“But how do you know about all this?” Alice asked.

“Carol used to date my son Peter.”

Alice looked at Jodie and knew he was thinking _Who didn’t?,_ although he was too polite to say that to the dead man’s mother.

“It was in college and he brought her home. We were fond of each other, although we didn’t stay in touch.”

“Did Miss Svenson know about this?” Alice asked.

“Not till after Peter’s murder, and her daughter Corinne’s arrest. She came back to America and found out a lot of things.”

“But, wait,” Jodie said, “why would Carol work on my aunt’s legal case if she had herself been involved with Peter?”

“She didn’t want to but she was working for Mr. Magoo—”

“Mallu.”

“Yes, right. Your aunt’s lawyer. And Ingrid insisted that Carol stay on rather than recusing herself. And she hoped that Carol would sabotage the case.”

“While also seducing me?”

“Yes. Carol was very conflicted, she told me when we spoke last week. But it’s over now. Carol doesn’t want any further contact with you or Wendy. She hopes in time you can forgive her.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Alice did. “Wait, how did you end up with the baby?”

“She remembered that I live in Hawaii and she was here anyway, with her surfer boyfriend. And she knew that I’m the ex-wife of Jodie's stepfather, practically one of the family, aside from being Peter’s mother.”

“Oh.” Alice said. 

“Also, I told her a secret of mine, one she encouraged me to share.”

This time Jodie muttered, “I can’t wait.”

“I’ve written two letters that I’d like you to take with you to Connecticut, but I can tell you their contents now.”

“What? What?” Alice asked eagerly. She couldn’t help it. This was like a soap opera.

“Many years ago, I had an affair with—”

“Please don’t say my father,” Jodie said.

“No, with Chester Tate.”

Alice couldn’t say she was completely surprised. After all, Mr. Tate had had a lot of affairs.

Jodie on the other hand looked stunned. “Uncle Chester killed his own son?”

“No, no, he’s Chuck’s father.”

“Wow!” Alice said. That was pretty mind-blowing, and funny, although she didn’t think anyone would appreciate her laughing.

“Oh, they’re both going to love this,” Jodie said. “Not to mention Bob's reaction.”

And then Alice started laughing so hard she thought she was going to pee. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

“It’s OK,” both Jodie and Mrs. Parker said.

“Um, can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure. Down the hall.” Chuck’s mother pointed.

“Thank you!” Alice dashed down the hallway. And while she was in the bathroom, she discovered her period had started. That sobered her up quickly. Had she never been pregnant? This couldn’t be a miscarriage. There wasn’t enough blood and she wasn’t in pain.

When she went back out to Jodie, he said, “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. But can we go for a little walk? We’ll come right back, I swear,” she told Mrs. Parker.

“Sure. Do you want to take the baby?”

“Not right now.” Alice wanted to tell Jodie about her pregnancy scare. And then they could figure out what would happen next, beyond returning to Connecticut with his only child and two explosive letters.


	23. Epilogue

It was a beautiful wedding. Jessica looked lovely, her hair still a rich red. The governor was dapper and Jodie had never seen him look so happy.

At the reception, Jodie said, “Congratulations, Benson. On the election and the wedding.”

“Thanks, Jodie. How have you been?”

“Good, thank you.” He wasn’t sure how much Benson knew, but Benson probably knew everything, like usual.

He obviously knew that Wendy was doing well in second grade, a bright adorable little girl, still the apple of Jodie’s eye. He must’ve known that Jodie and Alice were still friends after their divorce, in some ways still best friends, although Alice had moved out to California a couple years ago. Jodie and Wendy had visited her a few months ago and they all had a blast at Disneyland and the other amusement parks.

Benson perhaps knew that Jodie was seeing a Secret Service agent. Randy wasn’t out, although he said he would come out when President Mansfield’s term was over. She was Randy’s best friend and she was very accepting of him and Jodie. But she still had two years left, six if she were reelected.

Benson’s term had just begun. He had defeated Governor Gatling, Jessica’s cousin, but there were no hard feelings. And Benson had finally felt brave enough to propose to the woman he’d loved all these years. She told him it didn’t matter what he did for a living, as long as he was Benson.

In some ways, it felt like everyone had a happy ending, although none were perfect. Alice was seeing a woman named Ellen who worked in the same bookstore she did. Alice still identified as bi, although Jodie didn’t. Despite his love for Alice, and enjoyment of sex with her and Carol (separately of course), he’d recognized that his identity was homosexual, while Alice had a more fluid view of things.

It wasn’t an easy time to be gay, the second half of the ‘80s. President Mansfield supported AIDS research, but there were no cures as yet. Jodie had lost friends to the disease, including Dennis, whom he’d become friends with again before Dennis’s death, although they’d realized that it was best not to try to restart their romantic relationship. Jodie still missed Dennis and wished that Carol hadn’t come between them, but he did recognize that it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. And if he hadn’t met Carol, well, then he wouldn’t have Wendy.

Dutch and Corinne had married and had a couple kids, as had Danny and Polly. Chuck still had Bob, and a surprisingly strong relationship with his father Chester, once everyone got over the shock.

Chester had never remarried. He still loved Jessica but he knew he could never be monogamous. He brought a date to the wedding, someone Jodie had never met before.

Chester’s other son, Billy, was in med school and everyone was very proud of him. He didn’t have much time to date, but he joked he’d be a catch for someone someday.

Eunice dated a lot, mostly politicians and other journalists. She had no interest in settling down, but she seemed to enjoy playing the field.

Jodie’s mother was still happy with Burt, although she still wondered if Scotty was an alien. Jodie’s kid brother looked completely normal, with blond hair like both parents, average weight and height for his age. But he was a genius. Wendy was bright but Scotty was disturbingly intelligent. Well, there were worse problems to have.

Sometimes Jodie wondered what would’ve happened if Alice had been pregnant years ago when she thought she was. He had been very surprised and a little upset that she hadn’t told him right off, although he could understand why she hadn’t. If she had been pregnant, he would’ve wanted her to keep it, and she told him she wanted to. She wanted a child of her own, no matter how much she loved Wendy.

The baby would’ve been about a year and a half younger than Wendy. Maybe it would’ve been another little girl, and she could have had Wendy’s hand-me-downs. Or a son who could’ve, well, Wendy liked jeans and overalls more than dresses and skirts, so they could’ve done unisex hand-me-downs. Jodie wouldn’t have cared. He still sometimes wished for another child. He and Alice joked about him being a sperm donor, but now that they lived on opposite coasts, custody would’ve been tricky.

Still, who was to say what the future might bring? Jodie had had a surprising life. Not perfect, but happy. And it was far from over.

“I knew you would be,” Benson said. “You’re a survivor.”

Jodie nodded. The whole family were survivors, Benson included.


End file.
